I went shopping at Old Navy yesterday to pick up a couple skirts; hooray for sales! It was nice, and so generous of Eric to tell me to buy some new things, especially when I don't really need them, just want them. But oh the horror of the dressing rooms. There is nothing more frustrating to me than picking out an item that I love and just can't live without, only to try it on and end up looking either a. pregnant, which I am not, or b. like a toad stool. Yuck. I ended up skipping a dress I'd fallen in love with, but did find a couple skirt that look pretty cute.
I'm definitely cured of my shopping craving for a few weeks now. Any more than that, and I don't think I'd survive.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Progress
Due to my diligence in exercising five times a week, and the switching of birth control, I am finally, finally seeing some results. I cannot tell you how encouraging this is to see. My pants feel a little looser, my shirts fit a little better, my belt is two notches tighter, and my abs are retaking shape. After so much work, and changing our diet, I'm more than thrilled.
Today is a good day. The sun is out, the sky is blue, and Caleb and I enjoyed most of our afternoon outdoors- pre and post lunch.
Today is a good day. The sun is out, the sky is blue, and Caleb and I enjoyed most of our afternoon outdoors- pre and post lunch.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Notes on Joy
For Bible study this week we did a word study on "joy." What does it mean to have joy? If I lack joy, am I missing the Holy Spirit, since a sign of having the Holy Spirit is joy?
I have always struggled with those questions, and with the guilt that came from not feeling joyful as I thought I should. But after meeting this morning and putting together everything we'd discovered and meditated on throughout the past two weeks (we didn't meet last week), I came to some incredible, freeing realizations:
1. Joy is not a feeling. It is from God; God's joy, not mine.
2. Joy is something God creates in us, not something we feel (Psalm 51).
3. In the Old Testament, joy is shown outwardly, as with the Holy Spirit (i.e. dancing, singing, the pillar of fire, the temple). Whereas in the New Testament joy is an inward manifestation of the Holy Spirit, and I become the outward symbol of Jesus (i.e. light, salt, temple).
How freeing to realize that joy isn't something that I have, it is something that God has and shares with me. This strips away all the guilt I have been feeling, and takes my focus off of me and places it back on God, where it rightfully should be.
I have always struggled with those questions, and with the guilt that came from not feeling joyful as I thought I should. But after meeting this morning and putting together everything we'd discovered and meditated on throughout the past two weeks (we didn't meet last week), I came to some incredible, freeing realizations:
1. Joy is not a feeling. It is from God; God's joy, not mine.
2. Joy is something God creates in us, not something we feel (Psalm 51).
3. In the Old Testament, joy is shown outwardly, as with the Holy Spirit (i.e. dancing, singing, the pillar of fire, the temple). Whereas in the New Testament joy is an inward manifestation of the Holy Spirit, and I become the outward symbol of Jesus (i.e. light, salt, temple).
How freeing to realize that joy isn't something that I have, it is something that God has and shares with me. This strips away all the guilt I have been feeling, and takes my focus off of me and places it back on God, where it rightfully should be.
Kindred Books
I love it when I start reading a new book, and know by page 4 that I need to own it, so I can underline and highlight to my touched heart's content. It's like meeting someone and realizing you are kindred spirits; I love when kindred books find me.
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (he wrote Blue Like Jazz) is that way. I feel like the author has written what I couldn't find the right words to say. It resonates deep within me; he felt at that time what I am feeling now. How wonderful to identify. And how wonderful to find a beautiful/true sentence on nearly every single page. (For example, this just blew me away: "Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller." Amazing.)
Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen is another one that grabbed me right away. How could it not, with words like this: "When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true bleonging."
Or this: "Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved for all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace." Just... wow. Powerful, empowering stuff, that.
I also love when I am itching to dig into a stack of new books. I've been given and/or lent several books I can't wait to start on. (Redeeming Love from Mom; A Million Miles in a Thousand Years from S; Dog On It from A; Silky Dream Girl from Eric's mom; and I'm in the middle of World War Z from F.) I love that my closest friends and family know me so well they can recommend books they know I'll enjoy; I love when I can do the same for them.
So what about you? Any recommendations? What should I immediately add to my list?
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (he wrote Blue Like Jazz) is that way. I feel like the author has written what I couldn't find the right words to say. It resonates deep within me; he felt at that time what I am feeling now. How wonderful to identify. And how wonderful to find a beautiful/true sentence on nearly every single page. (For example, this just blew me away: "Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller." Amazing.)
Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen is another one that grabbed me right away. How could it not, with words like this: "When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true bleonging."
Or this: "Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved for all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace." Just... wow. Powerful, empowering stuff, that.
I also love when I am itching to dig into a stack of new books. I've been given and/or lent several books I can't wait to start on. (Redeeming Love from Mom; A Million Miles in a Thousand Years from S; Dog On It from A; Silky Dream Girl from Eric's mom; and I'm in the middle of World War Z from F.) I love that my closest friends and family know me so well they can recommend books they know I'll enjoy; I love when I can do the same for them.
So what about you? Any recommendations? What should I immediately add to my list?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Oooh Man, Am I Sore
Aside from the fact that I'm coming down with the flu or another sinus infection, or something equally yucky, I. am. sore.
I've been taking a weekly modern dance class for over a year now, and have been absolutely loving it. It was one of the key things that helped bring me out of my post-partum depression, and into the light of a fulfilled, happy life. It challenges me to meet new people, something I am usually not thrilled to do, due to my on-going self-esteem issues. (Will they like me? Will they think I'm stupid? Annoying? Fat? etc.)
In short, it's been very, very good for me.
This week, I added a second dance class to my schedule: African dance. Oh my goodness, I cannot tell you just how much fun this class is. First of all, there are live drummers providing the music. It is so energizing and exciting. Also, the instructor is legit, having studied dance in Africa, as have most of the drummers. She teaches by example, not using many words at all. Everyone is smiling and sweating and loving it. It is so, so much fun.
But my goodness, my legs are so sore after two nights of dance in a row. My calves will be amazingly toned in no time though, for sure.
I love being able to be so involved in something I love so much. I love that Eric is so supportive of my desire to take these classes, and not resentful at all that I'll be spending one more evening out of our home. I love that he encourages me to do these things, and that he loves who I am and how happy it makes me to dance.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to take these classes, to explore new ways of self-expression, and to (gasp) meet new people with similar interests. I am blessed, indeed.
I've been taking a weekly modern dance class for over a year now, and have been absolutely loving it. It was one of the key things that helped bring me out of my post-partum depression, and into the light of a fulfilled, happy life. It challenges me to meet new people, something I am usually not thrilled to do, due to my on-going self-esteem issues. (Will they like me? Will they think I'm stupid? Annoying? Fat? etc.)
In short, it's been very, very good for me.
This week, I added a second dance class to my schedule: African dance. Oh my goodness, I cannot tell you just how much fun this class is. First of all, there are live drummers providing the music. It is so energizing and exciting. Also, the instructor is legit, having studied dance in Africa, as have most of the drummers. She teaches by example, not using many words at all. Everyone is smiling and sweating and loving it. It is so, so much fun.
But my goodness, my legs are so sore after two nights of dance in a row. My calves will be amazingly toned in no time though, for sure.
I love being able to be so involved in something I love so much. I love that Eric is so supportive of my desire to take these classes, and not resentful at all that I'll be spending one more evening out of our home. I love that he encourages me to do these things, and that he loves who I am and how happy it makes me to dance.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to take these classes, to explore new ways of self-expression, and to (gasp) meet new people with similar interests. I am blessed, indeed.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Too little time...
Within the two-hour confine of Caleb's nap time, every day, I attempt the following:
>Work out. At least 20 minutes. (Wii Fit, Skinny Bitch, American Ballet Workout, or Yoga)
>Read books. For my own pleasure, for Bible study, or for book club.
>Bible study. For my other Bible study.
>Check internet things. Email, blogs, facebook, etc.
>Shower or bath.
>Start making dinner.
>Watch non Caleb-appropriate tv show or movie. Depending on what I've checked out at the Library or am currently addicted to. This month it's been Gossip Girl season 2, my guiltiest pleasure.
>Write. Either in my paper journal or this blog. Usually neither gets done though.
There's just too little time.
But I do plan on making more of an effort when it comes to writing. I don't know what I have to write about that hasn't been written by entirely better writers before. I don't have new thoughts to think, new wisdom to share. I do know that if I'm not writing daily, my thoughts get all mixed up and crazy, and I can't think as well. Feelings get bottled up, and if I don't get them down on paper, they are likely to eat me up from the inside out.
I realized a few weeks ago, while looking through my shelves of journals, that I have been writing ever since I was first able. My very first diary is from when I was five-years-old, in kindergarten. From then on, I have an almost constant account of my thoughts and feelings. And while there are some gaps, I also realized those gaps, the times when I wasn't writing, are the darkest periods of my life.
Ergo, I must keep writing if I want to keep my sanity. I've started reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, and it's proving itself an incredibly motivating and inspiring aid.
So, we'll see how it goes.
>Work out. At least 20 minutes. (Wii Fit, Skinny Bitch, American Ballet Workout, or Yoga)
>Read books. For my own pleasure, for Bible study, or for book club.
>Bible study. For my other Bible study.
>Check internet things. Email, blogs, facebook, etc.
>Shower or bath.
>Start making dinner.
>Watch non Caleb-appropriate tv show or movie. Depending on what I've checked out at the Library or am currently addicted to. This month it's been Gossip Girl season 2, my guiltiest pleasure.
>Write. Either in my paper journal or this blog. Usually neither gets done though.
There's just too little time.
But I do plan on making more of an effort when it comes to writing. I don't know what I have to write about that hasn't been written by entirely better writers before. I don't have new thoughts to think, new wisdom to share. I do know that if I'm not writing daily, my thoughts get all mixed up and crazy, and I can't think as well. Feelings get bottled up, and if I don't get them down on paper, they are likely to eat me up from the inside out.
I realized a few weeks ago, while looking through my shelves of journals, that I have been writing ever since I was first able. My very first diary is from when I was five-years-old, in kindergarten. From then on, I have an almost constant account of my thoughts and feelings. And while there are some gaps, I also realized those gaps, the times when I wasn't writing, are the darkest periods of my life.
Ergo, I must keep writing if I want to keep my sanity. I've started reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, and it's proving itself an incredibly motivating and inspiring aid.
So, we'll see how it goes.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Doing something about it
To combat those gloomy clouds I've begun taking Vitamin D every morning. It's too soon to tell if it's making an impact on my moods, so we'll see in the next few weeks. I have high hopes though.
I've been working out a little more consistently as another response to my gloom and apathy. This is making a difference. As long as I pull out Wii Fit to at least do a daily fitness test, I'll most likely keep going for a while, sometimes up to an hour. This combined with the Skinny Bitch dvd's (which I've been neglecting for a while, but have restarted this week) and dance class, I'm sure I'll be seeing the results I want in no time. That, and Eric came up with an incentive for me: a new pair of shoes for every 15 pounds I lose. And what an incentive it is! Since my feet grew three sizes when I was pregnant, and have since gone down only one size, my shoe collection is pretty small and sad. So with this to motivate me, I am feeling, well, motivated.
Today is a good day, and I'm feeling upbeat and happy. It's a nice change from the self-loathing and apathy I felt all weekend. Hopefully this sticks!
I've been working out a little more consistently as another response to my gloom and apathy. This is making a difference. As long as I pull out Wii Fit to at least do a daily fitness test, I'll most likely keep going for a while, sometimes up to an hour. This combined with the Skinny Bitch dvd's (which I've been neglecting for a while, but have restarted this week) and dance class, I'm sure I'll be seeing the results I want in no time. That, and Eric came up with an incentive for me: a new pair of shoes for every 15 pounds I lose. And what an incentive it is! Since my feet grew three sizes when I was pregnant, and have since gone down only one size, my shoe collection is pretty small and sad. So with this to motivate me, I am feeling, well, motivated.
Today is a good day, and I'm feeling upbeat and happy. It's a nice change from the self-loathing and apathy I felt all weekend. Hopefully this sticks!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
How about the weather?
There is something to be said about how profoundly I am affected by the weather. Days, weeks like these unbearably cold and cloudy ones eliminate any drive or ambition I may have. I just want to stay snuggled under the covers and sleep it away. Ususally I end up snuggled under a blanket on the couch watching Sesame Street and Clifford, then switching to a musical or Disney movie, anything Caleb-appropriate.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of winter. Bring me back the sun and my motivation. I'm so tired of the gloomy clouds.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of winter. Bring me back the sun and my motivation. I'm so tired of the gloomy clouds.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2009 in Review
For the past several years in my journals I've filled out this same Year-End Review. I think it's neat to read over last year's answers and fill in the new, to see how I've grown and changed, and now how my family has grown and changed. And so, in keeping with my own little tradition, here is my 2009 in Review.
Age you turned in 2009: 23
Was it a good year? tough but good
Where were you when it began? At home with Eric and Caleb, drinking champagne
Where will you be when it ends? With Eric, Felicia, and Laurence
What were your favorite moments? Spending so much time at the zoo and Library! downtown, both camping trips, BUYING OUR HOUSE, the rose-petal bath Eric surprised me with on a really bad day, seeing Ingrid Michaelson's concert, dance class
Did you have a New Year's resolution? Did you keep it?
-Lose weight - a little
-Eat healthier - Yes!
-Read 100 books - Yes! Grand total is 115!
Do you have a resolution for 2010?
-Lose 50+ pounds
-Read 150 books
-Find a good network of friends
Did you change your hair this year? Nope. I let it grow out.
Did you make any friends? Felicia
What was your favorite month of 2009?
May- for going to the zoo and Library! nearly every day
September- for going camping
December- for realizing birth-control problem and FINALLY starting to lose weight, and Christmas!
How many states did you visit? none
Did you lose anyone close to you? Thankfully, no
What were your favorite movies? Pineapple Express, Rocknrolla, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, Henry Poole is Here, Stardust
What was your favorite song? "Hey I Love You"
What was your favorite album?
What was your favorite tv show? The Office, Chuck, So You Think You Can Dance, Flight of the Conchords, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Weeds, Deadwood, Glee (my goodness, that's a lot!)
What was your favorite hangout? The zoo and the Library!
Did you do anything you're ashamed of? Being so self-centered and bogged down in self-loathing. This year I want to love myself so that I can better love Eric and Caleb.
Funniest moment of 2009? Caleb eating dirt, and bugs, and dog food.
Most embarrassing moment? I can't think of anything this time.
Any new hobbies? still dancing
Did you get a job? Lose a job? Still at the bookstore
Did you get in a car accident? No
Did you get any tickets? No
What song will always remind you of 2009? I'm still working on this answer...
Something you couldn't leave home without: Diaper bag, library card
Any last thoughts on 2009? I finally feel satisfied, secure, and settled. Buying this house was huge! Keeping all my resolutions is amazing; I've never done that before. Bible Study and dance class were hugely instrumental in bringing me out of my depression.
Any plans for 2010? Continue hiking and camping, walking around the neighborhood. Generally living a more fit lifestyle. And loving. I plan to love everyone I encounter, and love deeper and truer- including myself.
So there you have it. This year I omitted some questions that I deemed redundant and unnecessary:
Did you get arrested?
Did you fall in love?
Did you break up with anyone?
Did you have a valentine?
I don't expect the answers to those questions to ever change, so why bother?
What about you? Any thoughts? I'd love to hear your 2009 observations.
Age you turned in 2009: 23
Was it a good year? tough but good
Where were you when it began? At home with Eric and Caleb, drinking champagne
Where will you be when it ends? With Eric, Felicia, and Laurence
What were your favorite moments? Spending so much time at the zoo and Library! downtown, both camping trips, BUYING OUR HOUSE, the rose-petal bath Eric surprised me with on a really bad day, seeing Ingrid Michaelson's concert, dance class
Did you have a New Year's resolution? Did you keep it?
-Lose weight - a little
-Eat healthier - Yes!
-Read 100 books - Yes! Grand total is 115!
Do you have a resolution for 2010?
-Lose 50+ pounds
-Read 150 books
-Find a good network of friends
Did you change your hair this year? Nope. I let it grow out.
Did you make any friends? Felicia
What was your favorite month of 2009?
May- for going to the zoo and Library! nearly every day
September- for going camping
December- for realizing birth-control problem and FINALLY starting to lose weight, and Christmas!
How many states did you visit? none
Did you lose anyone close to you? Thankfully, no
What were your favorite movies? Pineapple Express, Rocknrolla, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, Henry Poole is Here, Stardust
What was your favorite song? "Hey I Love You"
What was your favorite album?
What was your favorite tv show? The Office, Chuck, So You Think You Can Dance, Flight of the Conchords, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Weeds, Deadwood, Glee (my goodness, that's a lot!)
What was your favorite hangout? The zoo and the Library!
Did you do anything you're ashamed of? Being so self-centered and bogged down in self-loathing. This year I want to love myself so that I can better love Eric and Caleb.
Funniest moment of 2009? Caleb eating dirt, and bugs, and dog food.
Most embarrassing moment? I can't think of anything this time.
Any new hobbies? still dancing
Did you get a job? Lose a job? Still at the bookstore
Did you get in a car accident? No
Did you get any tickets? No
What song will always remind you of 2009? I'm still working on this answer...
Something you couldn't leave home without: Diaper bag, library card
Any last thoughts on 2009? I finally feel satisfied, secure, and settled. Buying this house was huge! Keeping all my resolutions is amazing; I've never done that before. Bible Study and dance class were hugely instrumental in bringing me out of my depression.
Any plans for 2010? Continue hiking and camping, walking around the neighborhood. Generally living a more fit lifestyle. And loving. I plan to love everyone I encounter, and love deeper and truer- including myself.
So there you have it. This year I omitted some questions that I deemed redundant and unnecessary:
Did you get arrested?
Did you fall in love?
Did you break up with anyone?
Did you have a valentine?
I don't expect the answers to those questions to ever change, so why bother?
What about you? Any thoughts? I'd love to hear your 2009 observations.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Free!
I am so proud of this, I just can't hold back.
Due to the arrival of our fist-time home-buyer's tax refund, today I was able to pay off ALL of my remaining debts! I cannot tell you just how wonderful it feels to be suddenly released from those burdens! I do know that I've certainly learned my lesson(s) regarding smart credit card use, and will NOT be making those mistakes again. My goodness, it is a wonderful day!
Due to the arrival of our fist-time home-buyer's tax refund, today I was able to pay off ALL of my remaining debts! I cannot tell you just how wonderful it feels to be suddenly released from those burdens! I do know that I've certainly learned my lesson(s) regarding smart credit card use, and will NOT be making those mistakes again. My goodness, it is a wonderful day!
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