How God Keeps Me From Drowning

It may sound trite, or cheesy, or cliche, or all of the above, but it's true: When life is throwing me everything it's got, and I feel like I'm going to drown in it, God sends me a rainbow to tell me otherwise. It started in high school, when I was just learning how to deal with... everything. And then in 2007, I saw them all the time. And now today, when I have six books left in the Bible, and distraction and temptation are at their highest. It's been dark and rainy all week, but just after I prayed for his help in this final push to complete the task he's given me, God gave me the physical sign I've been craving. He is so faithful; he is so good. And during the past few months, it's finally starting to sink in that he really does care about the sparrows and the deer and the sheep and me, Lianne, his daughter and disciple.




Moments of Grace (12 - 20)

12. A rainbow, just when I need it most
13. English sparrows at my bird feeders
14. Hugs and kisses for Mr. Leopard, too
15. Unexpected encouragement
16. Finding the perfect book to give to a friend
17. The way Devotchka makes my heart swell
18. The way thirty pages of hand-written notes feel
19. Rachael asking if my red pen is ready to do some work
20. How Eric's clothes are so much cozier than my own

New Challenges

Okay. So. Courtney has invited me to take the NaBloPoMo challenge. A writing challenge? How could I resist? And as much as I've loved participating in NaNoWriMo, this one seems like the better choice for this year. So here I go...

Honestly, I've been a little overwhelmed lately. We celebrated Caleb's fourth birthday four times last week, along with Halloween and a six hour round-trip drive to watch one of the last games of my sister's soccer career. We've been a busy family.

I've also been consumed with a person challenge. It's a big one, and not one I'm taking lightly at all. I'm reading the Bible, the whole entire thing, and nothing else until I've finished. This is, by far, the longest, most difficult fast I've ever done, as a girl who reads at least one hundred books a year.

It came about when praying for God to show me a specific, tangible way to make his priorities my own. And he gave me this challenge. So. I couldn't really say no to that, nor is it even an option to give up. I'm in the thick of the Old Testament, so disobedience to God doesn't look like a good option. At all. No way am I going against the God of Moses, Jacob, and David.

I'm entering the fourth month of this fast. I have twenty-six books to go, which puts me at just over 60% finished. And at this point it is a daily fight to keep going. I'm exhausted by all the fighting and disobedience. And honestly, I am just dying to pick up a trashy romance or Harry Potter or some French fairy tales. But, like I said, it's not even an option. But the temptation... Oh, the temptation is wearing me thin.

I wrote out a long prayer this morning, begging God for his help and sustenance and strength to keep going. I prayed for a better attitude, and refreshed sense of adventure and thirst. I prayed that I would stay focused on him rather than on all the books I'd rather be reading right now.

And, surprise surprise, he is so wonderfully faithful. The next Psalm in line was 69, which he steadily reminded me that I will not drown- he will rescue me. I continued through Psalm 74, which excited me at the mention of Leviathan. And I received encouragement from two people, one with a phone call, one online- without having reached out to them myself.

So I continue, steadfast and determined.

Lent

Although my participation in Lent is a fairly new thing (2007 was my first attempt), I take it incredibly seriously. I feel silly when I write that this year I'm giving up chocolate. I feel like that stereotypical stay-at-home mom who grows fatter each day because of her pathetically cliche addiction to truffles. However, I do honestly feel I've entered an unhealthy relationship with food- and chocolate in particular. I've been using it as a comfort. If I'm upset or angry or sad, I eat hand-fulls chocolate chips or whatever other treats we have around the kitchen. Afterward, I feel extremely guilty, and though it's embarrassing to actually admit, strongly consider throwing it all back up. I am not bulimic, nor have I ever been, but I feel like I could easily end up that way if I don't make some changes. I need to learn and know with every fiber within myself that I don't need to turn to food for comfort.

My other unhealthy addiction is Facebook. I've decided to limit myself to logging on once a day. This sounds silly too, but it IS a challenge to stick to it. There are much more important things I need to occupy my mind and my day with, rather than hourly updates on what my friends are doing.

I also have two devotionals for this Lenten season. The first is Reliving the Passion by Walter Wangerin, Jr. I read this last year, and loved the journey it took me on, with Jesus, to his death and resurrection. The second is Writing to God: 40 Days of Praying With My Pen by Rachel G. Hackenberg. I am so, so excited about this one. It came in the mail today, so I have a couple days of catch-up to do. I've always expressed myself better in writing than in speech, and prayer is no exception.

I'm excited about this Lenten season. I know God will help me continue to grow into the person he wants me to be- free of addiction and over-encumbered by unnecessary things. The anticipation towards the celebration of Easter is growing, as is my desire to spend deeper, richer time with my Lord.

Hunting Season

Hunting season has begun, and I've been on my own with Caleb for the majority of this month. The past couple years, this encouraged my blogging and boosted posts, but this year I've been happy just to breathe at the end of the day.

Eric is back home, for now. He returned on Sunday from his longest trip of the year- ten days. It's always a rough week for me, and my patience wears thin much too quickly. This year was especially hard, both for me and for Caleb. He missed his Daddy, a whole bunch. And because he still hasn't mastered the English language, he had a difficult time expressing his feelings, and acted out in ways that are so, so different than the quiet, sensitive boy he normally is.

He became violent towards me and even his beloved best friend, Mr. Leopard. He repeatedly said, "No!" when I would ask him to put his toys away, which is not a problem we encounter often. Cleaning up is a game for us, and usually fun. I even resorted to spanking on two different occasions, when I was at the end of my rope and he simply would not obey. He did not cry, but was certainly surprised, and fairly quickly said, "Okay, Mommy," and did what he knew he was supposed to do.

It was exhausting, doing it on my own. It makes me realize just how blessed I am to have Eric, and what an amazing father he is to Caleb, and the best partner I could possibly dream of. These hunting trips make me miss him desperately, and remind me what a wonderful man he is.

And it is so, so worth it. He returns refreshed and energized, even if he sometimes is empty-handed. I'm so glad he has this social and physical outlet, where he gets to do what he loves to do, and be himself- not just Eric the accountant, Eric the Daddy, or Eric the fiance. Hunting is to Eric as dancing is to me. As hard as it is for me to see him go, I am supportive and encouraging, because I love him so deeply, and love to see him excited and even a little bit giddy. He takes such good care of me, and I absolutely want to reciprocate. He absolutely deserves it.