Considering Sparrows and Lilies

Newest Additions to Our Family

2012-02-09T11:35:00.003-07:00

It's been an excellent week so far, with some wonderful new pets!

This little guy is an African Dwarf Frog, and he is just hilarious to watch in the fish tank. He darts around, shoots to the top of the tank for air, then drifts down like a tiny froggy parachute. He's way too much fun.

And this sweet girl I never, ever expected we would get! Eric loves me SO much, and saw just how much I was missing having a furry companion, that he set aside his extreme dislike of cats and surprised me last night with a trip to the pet store to adopt her! We don't have a name for her yet, but she sure is a sweetheart. She's very shy (hasn't left her little spot between the toilet and the bath tub much yet), and just too cute to handle. She missing part of her ear, and is cross-eyed. She's a little misfit kitty that fits right in with us. I can't even tell you just how thrilled I am to have these new animals!

The End of NaBloPoMo, Failure, and Success

2011-11-30T11:20:00.001-07:00

Well, so much for NaBloPoMo. Seven whole days without a post? Oops. But, I'm okay with this failure. Even with the week off, I think I've posted more this month than the rest of the whole year combined; so, not a complete failure.

Thanksgiving is an obvious excuse. Families, feasts, food comas... I absolutely love that holiday. Thanksgiving means pie-baking time, and I go a little crazy each year. Last year I baked seven pies for that weekend. This year was a little less intense - only three this time - but superior in appearance and taste.

The one on the left is a classic apple pie, with the Greek "pi" cutout. It was Eric's idea, and a big hit with everyone. The middle is a pecan pie, and the one on the right is a frozen peanut butter chocolate pie- kind of like a giant Reese's.

In addition to the holiday, my second excuse for not writing is that I've been reading some dearly missed fiction. A couple Harry Potter books and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, as well as an Advent devotional, Watch for the Light, and As Silver Refined by Kay Arthur- a study I've been itching to read for months. I'm working on a whole post consisting of what I've been learning from them (minus Harry Potter) and how they are all fitting together so beautifully.

And finally, I've been just overwhelmed and exhausted by the barrage of commercials and consumerism that inevitably follows Thanksgiving. I didn't even participate in Black Friday, and it completely wiped me out. Now, normally, I don't have to put up with TV commercials. Since we have Netflix Instant on our Wii and no cable or satellite, that's all we watch besides football. But since it's football season, I now have to endure commercials. They exhaust, disgust, and anger me. The constant, "I want it and I want it now," that's packaged and presented as the good, the normal, the right way to act is too much for me. All the Black Friday ads and the pervasive idea that "we must have all the shiny new things no matter what" just completely takes away the magic and mystery of Christmas.

I felt this not only from TV, but also in my email inbox (with hundreds of sales and deals from Victoria's Secret, Old Navy, Amazon, Threadless, Mod Cloth, etc., etc., etc...), on Facebook, on several blogs I follow. So I unplugged. I just didn't get on the internet; or if I did, I didn't last very long before the exhaustion kicked in.

It was lovely, it was less stressful, it was a welcome break. Carving out a safe place in my recliner under a blanket, with a cup of sugar cookie flavored tea and a good book totally beat the pressure to update my blog again, and again, and again. I'm content with that decision, and the consequence.

As November comes to a close, I'm thankful for the push from Courtney, and everyone's encouragement with the NaBloPoMo challenge. And I've developed the habit of blogging more consistently, and hopefully more clearly. Here's to keeping on!

Goal Reached

2011-11-22T22:33:00.001-07:00

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

That about sums it up.
I'm so overcome with so many different emotions, I hardly know how to begin to express them.
I read Mark and Luke today, finishing this journey I've been on for the past three months and six days. I finished at 1:41pm, and couldn't help but cry. Tears of... I don't even know. Relief? Pride? Thankfulness? Disbelief? I didn't think I could do this; I doubted myself, my perseverance, my stamina, my faithfulness. But God, to his glory, is strong where I am weak, and carried me through.
What more can I say?

Moments of Grace (31)
31. Completing a goal that I didn't think I could

Transcendant by Frail

Approaching the Finish Line

2011-11-21T16:20:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading Jeremiah. This leaves only Matthew, Mark, and Luke, and then I will be done! God has been so incredibly faithful through this, and I would never have gotten through it without his hand guiding mine. I prayed for focus today. And (surprise, surprise) it was one of the hardest days to keep focused; chores, phone calls regarding my new job, potty training, and the addict's itch to check Facebook one more time kept grabbing my attention.

So I prayed again. And again. And again.
And God was faithful. We powered through and read the remaining 42 chapters of Jeremiah.

And oh, how the suspense has been building! The whole movement of the Old Testament has swept me to this point, and now I get to return to Jesus! I've been saving these from the beginning, knowing how I'd need them after all the darkness of the Old Testament. How exciting to go from the old covenant to the new!

All this is working together with the seasons as well. Advent begins on Sunday, and my excitement continues to build. Thanksgiving is on Thursday, of course, and all I keep thinking is, "LORD, I am so thankful for you, your spirit, your love, your grace, your compassion..."

Moments of Grace

2011-11-20T20:55:00.001-07:00

Moments of Grace (21 - 30)

21. Being close enough to the finish line to know that I can make it
22. Knowing that tomorrow I get to see my sister
23. Baking pies
24. Snuggling with Duke, the biggest lapdog ever
25. Riding in the car with just Mom
26. Bear hugs
27. "Fish kisses," "gross kisses," "Eskimo kisses," and "butterfly kisses"
28. The compliments I receive every time I wear Coco Mademoiselle
29. (Correctly) understanding a football play
30. Castle, a glass of wine, and a hot bath

Love Affair

2011-11-19T19:02:00.001-07:00

I'm involved in a love affair. It's a relatively new development, but I am completely smitten.

Mushrooms. Oh, how I've always wanted to like them, but could never get over the chewy texture. But now, after trying and retrying several times, the bond has finally been formed, and I am slightly obsessed. It started with some stuffed portobellos filled with cream cheese, bacon, and chives. Who couldn't love that? And then on the cruise in August, I had a bow-tie pasta with veal in a morel sauce. Heaven. Then a couple weeks ago Dad made some deer steaks with a mushroom and red onion sauce that's pretty much to die for (which Eric replicated tonight). A few nights ago I made this mushroom and brown rice casserole, which turned out as divine as it looks.

I think we'll be happy in this new relationship... my stomach sure is.

photo above is "Mushrooms" on DeviantArt.com

First Snow

2011-11-18T14:51:00.001-07:00

We had the first snow of the season earlier this morning. Caleb loves to watch the rain and the snow, so that's what we did. It was lovely and peaceful. He was pretty disappointed when it stopped, but I assured him there will be plenty more to come, and probably soon, since it is already more than halfway through November. Now that it's quiet time, I hear a hot toddy calling my name...

How God Keeps Me From Drowning

2011-11-17T14:05:00.001-07:00

It may sound trite, or cheesy, or cliche, or all of the above, but it's true: When life is throwing me everything it's got, and I feel like I'm going to drown in it, God sends me a rainbow to tell me otherwise. It started in high school, when I was just learning how to deal with... everything. And then in 2007, I saw them all the time. And now today, when I have six books left in the Bible, and distraction and temptation are at their highest. It's been dark and rainy all week, but just after I prayed for his help in this final push to complete the task he's given me, God gave me the physical sign I've been craving. He is so faithful; he is so good. And during the past few months, it's finally starting to sink in that he really does care about the sparrows and the deer and the sheep and me, Lianne, his daughter and disciple.

Moments of Grace (12 - 20)

12. A rainbow, just when I need it most
13. English sparrows at my bird feeders
14. Hugs and kisses for Mr. Leopard, too
15. Unexpected encouragement
16. Finding the perfect book to give to a friend
17. The way Devotchka makes my heart swell
18. The way thirty pages of hand-written notes feel
19. Rachael asking if my red pen is ready to do some work
20. How Eric's clothes are so much cozier than my own

Thoughtful Thursday Blog Hop

2011-11-17T08:47:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting to link up to this blog hop hosted by Melissa for a while now, and finally have something actually thoughtful to add (my post "On Job, Suffering, and Empathy).

Not much going on today

2011-11-16T14:32:00.001-07:00

This is what we did during our whole morning- played Warioland Shake It. So much fun, and perfect for a day like today, when it's just on the verge of freezing rain, dark and cloudy, and all-around miserable.

I don't have much to write today; my brain is pretty fried. Yesterday I read Revelation, today Lamentations and started Ezekiel. All those apocalyptic visions paired with Bright Eyes (during quiet time, not around Caleb... though he did accompany me to that concert while still within my womb), I just don't have that much to say.

These leaf roses sure brighten the kitchen table, though. These are my finished product from the tutorial found on Design Sponge. Since I didn't have a vase that would work with these beauties, I wrapped an empty (clean) salsa jar in florist tape to match to roses. Voila! Instant pretty! (And I'm loving that I am figuring out how to make the pictures I want with my new camera...)

Firehouse Casserole

2011-11-15T12:25:00.001-07:00

My apologies for not having photos; I forgot to take them last night.

I made our family's favorite casserole last night. And while it's not healthy by any stretch, it sure does hit the spot on cold, dark winter evenings when we're craving some serious comfort food. Eric's mom gave me this recipe when we first started dating (I would cite the cookbook it came from, but I don't know which one it is). I've made enough ~~improvements~~ changes to call it my own, at this point.

Firehouse Casserole

1 1/2 pounds ground beef (or 2, if you want it extra meaty)
2 (10 3/4 ounce) cans condensed soup (I usually use cream of celery and cream of potato, but any combination of cream of vegetable soup will be delicious)
1 soup can milk
1 (4 ounce) can diced green chiles
1 can corn
1 large red bell pepper, chopped
Chipotle Tabasco, to taste
10 flour tortillas (or 2 dozen corn tortillas; I prefer the flour tortilla texture, personally)
1 pound cheddar cheese, shredded

1. Heat oven to 325 degrees (F).
2. Brown beef, drain. Season with chili powder, cumin, paprika, pepper, and/or whatever else you think is yummy.
3. Combine soup and milk in a large saucepan over medium heat, stirring until smooth. Add in chiles, corn, red bell pepper, and Tabasco.
4. Cut tortillas into bite-size pieces, and place half in the largest casserole dish you have.
5. Spread a layer of half the beef, then half the soup, and half the cheese. Repeat the layers.
6. Bake uncovered for about 20 minutes, or longer if you want slightly burned cheese (which I happen to love, but know it's not for everyone).
7. Let it cool for 5 to 10 minutes, then enjoy the gooey goodness, and try not to eat the whole thing.

Open Arms Dance Project

2011-11-14T14:56:00.001-07:00

This is so beautiful and inspiring. And since I've joined the Open Arms Dance Project here, it gives me so many ideas of how to move and dance with the other members. There are people in wheelchairs, some with Down Syndrome, Alzheimer's, and without people any disabilities all dancing and creating together. The mission of Open Arms Dance Project is to encourage a compassionate community through our actions and our art.
I am so excited and honored to be a part of this community, and am absolutely loving every moment of it.

Sunday School Lesson

2011-11-13T20:55:00.001-07:00

Today I taught the junior high Sunday school class at church. The lesson was on Psalm 140 and why God wants us to be peaceful people rather than violent. It was interesting, trying to get honest, serious answers out of three boys and one girl that age. The boys who are all gamers and love movies like 300 and Zombieland. But, we all had fun (I think), and while it didn't go as well as I had hoped, I know that at least one of them took some things to heart. Which is the whole point, right?

I didn't forget!

2011-11-12T22:33:00.001-07:00

Oh my goodness, I had just gotten to bed when I realized I hadn't posted today! So, it's going to be short and sweet, but I will not fail!

We had another awesome Saturday.

Caleb spent last night at Eric's dad's house, and we had a date night! Then this morning I went with the youth from our church to do Rake Up Boise, and between two houses we filled about 30 huge bags. Homemade cocoa and pumpkin spice cookies were our reward, and man was it good. Eric also did some volunteer bike trail building in the foothills.

When we both finished our respective projects, we met at home and had delicious Italian leftovers for lunch. We picked up Caleb and came back home. Caleb finished his potty chart (!!!), and as a reward he chose to buy a train. (Yes, we are bribing him with expensive toys that he would normally only get for birthday or Christmas, but we're desperate here, and it's actually starting to work!) We went to Toys R Us and he picked out a train, and we had dinner at Chipotle, since it's within walking distance.

We watched some football, and I made these (this is from the site with the tutorial; tomorrow I'll upload my own photos):

I found the project here:
http://www.designsponge.com/2011/10/diy-project-autumn-leaf-bouquet.html
So much fun!

After Caleb went to bed, Eric and I watched a couple episodes of Batman: The Animated Series, which is just ridiculously good for a cartoon we watched when we were kids.

Okay, I've fulfilled my commitment for the day, and I am exhausted.

On Job, Suffering, and Empathy

2011-11-11T14:36:00.001-07:00

Today I decided to tackle Job. I've been putting this particular book off since the beginning. It's never been an easy story for me to stomach, and honestly I get pretty angry with God at what he allows to happen. With this in mind, and all the baggage I carry around, before I even opened my Bible this morning I wrote out a prayer. It's now such a familiar prayer, I've asked so many times over the past few months, for eyes to see and ears to hear, that I might learn what God wants me to learn.

With my hand grasping tightly to God's, I dove right in.

First of all, I love this different format. A prologue and an epilogue? I haven't read those words in what seems like ages. And the setting for these epic conversations between God and the Accuser, with all of the angels standing by- I get so, so excited at any mention of angels. And Leviathan (in Job 3:8), too.

What strikes me the hardest this time around, is not Job's reaction to his suffering, but the reaction of his friends. I've always focused on Job, his righteousness, his faith, his constitution. But this time, I'm learning so much from his friends.

The first seven days of his suffering and mourning, they sit silently with him, participating in his pain. And how heroic! How wonderful! This is the kind of friend I think we all long for.

But then they open their mouths.

And I am so convicted, because I know I've done the same thing. I've been convinced I knew the whole situation, and that I had all the answers. I think of the Christian I used to be, so cocky yet pretending to be humble. I knew just what to say in every situation, and I wasn't afraid to put my two cents in- and then some.

That's the funny thing about suffering, though, isn't it? It gives you a whole new perspective; it teaches you empathy. I am so ashamed of the person I used to be. The selfish, self-centered, know-it-all, judgmental hypocrite.

2007 was my year of suffering; but through it I experienced the greatest joy as well. I was trying to figure out how to live with vertigo, and seeing every specialist imaginable to find the cause of it. I met Eric, we made some questionable choices, and I got pregnant. My best friend and roommate kicked me out of our house, and our life-long friendship abruptly ended. I also lost my job, and my health insurance along with it. The church I'd grown up in turned its back on me, looking down their noses at me for not "making it right" and marrying Eric immediately, even though I didn't know him all that well yet. We decided to move in together, against the wishes of my church and my parents. Nothing was stable, nothing was solid; the only thing I held onto was that Jesus loves me, and that was enough.

It got better; life leveled out. A friend helped me get the life-saving job at Borders, I qualified for Medicaid and WIC, Eric turned out to be an absolute saint and my soul mate. While we did have some fights, my mom was always there for me. I found an amazing church, that welcomed me for who I am, not the choices I make. And Caleb, my sweet, amazing miracle, was born.

I learned a lot that year. (And continue to learn.) Empathy was the biggest lesson. Rather than looking down my nose at someone, I want to learn their story, who they are. I want everyone I come in contact with to know love, the love that Jesus has for me and everyone else.

I'm learning that it's okay to just sit in pain with a friend who's hurting, and keep my big mouth shut. Sometimes you just need someone to cry with, and that's okay. I don't need all the answers.

Painting above is "Duelo" by ReevolveR

Blank

2011-11-10T15:21:00.001-07:00

I'm drawing a blank today.

I think blogging ten days in a row is a record for me. And I feel like my ideas, or the the "easy" ones to write about, are all taken up.

Hm. Still blank.

That darn blinking cursor is taunting me.

Well, I suppose I'll just ask you this, reader. Would you be interested in seeing my recipes? Over the past several years, I've gone from being a totally inept cook to a pretty darn good one. And this year, as I've learned my way around the kitchen, I've started experimenting and improving on recipes. I've been writing the "keepers" down, and am excited about my own, growing cookbook.

I know there are million recipe/cooking blogs out there, with far more experienced people than I. But is that something I should consider posting on here? Or not? I want honest answers. Thanks!

Gratitude for Books

2011-11-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Beth Revis, the author of one of my favorite young adult books, Across the Universe, is putting on this awesome contest, centered on showing gratitude for books. How could I not enter? This is right up my alley.

The "assignment" is to write about the book you are most thankful for. I've been thinking this over since she first posted about it, on October 31, but for the life of me, I can't pick just one book. It's impossible. So I'm going to narrow it down to six. For now.

1. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
This novel blew my mind, and made me feel more excited about literature, and the amazing things that can be done in/through/with it. It challenged my faith, my sense of right and wrong, and in the end strengthened both. And her style, her undeniable style, unfolding the story so expertly, so that I was hanging on every word, rereading passages just for the poetry and beauty. It woke me up, and threw me headfirst into the reading frenzy I've been in for the past three years- going from reading maybe fifteen or twenty books a year to over one hundred, easily. This book awakened a deep passion within me.

2. The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis (Prince Caspian, in particular)
Yes, this is also what Beth Revis wrote about, but I would be doing by self a disservice if I left the series out. It's what pops into my head first when someone asks about my favorite book. I cry every time I read them, and I try to read them once a year. Lucy is my hero, in every way. Just typing the name Aslan gives me goosebumps. It is so purely beautiful, magical, wonderful... Every time I read it, I learn something new. I feel closest to God when I read about Narnia, and I long to bury my face into Alsan's mane. I could go on, and on, and on about these books...

3. Peter and Wendy by J. M. Barrie
Peter Pan evokes the same emotions as Narnia. And the best, most thoughtful, most beautiful gift I've ever received is the first edition Peter and Wendy. Eric tracked down a copy for me, and it is, by far, my most prized possession. And the love, how he knows my soul, the thoughtfulness Eric showed still brings me to tears. I'm so blessed to have such a man. The two go hand in hand now, the magic of Peter Pan, the beauty, the joy, and the love of my life. With Eric, I've grown up, and don't regret or fear it, like I used to.

4. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
I haven't yet found a more exciting, romantic book than the first time I read Les Miserables in the seventh grade. Eponine is still one of the greatest characters of all time. And as I've moved through each stage of my life, so has this book. Each time I understand it differently, and appreciate it even more (even though each time I didn't think it was possible).

5. The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard
Apart from the Bible, this book has been instrumental in forming my faith as it is today. It introduced me to Jesus as more than just a good teacher, a good man, a good prophet. It introduced me to Jesus as the creator of the universe, the smartest person/being to ever exist, and therefore worthy of adoration and obedience. It taught me to actually live out my faith with authenticity, rather that acknowledging it but doing nothing about it. And so much more than that. I think just about every page has something highlighted, including the footnotes. It's a wealth of knowledge and insight.

6. The Bible
Because, really, how could I not include this? I probably should have listed it first, but ending the list seems fitting, too. What can I say about it? I think it speaks for itself.

Lianne has voted

2011-11-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

I get so giddy each Election Day. I love doing my civic duty, casting my vote, dropping the ballot in the box, getting the sticker, and hearing the official say, "Lianne ___ has voted." The photo above is from the first time I voted, the year I turned 18. I was just as excited this morning as I was the first time.

Frost, and 1000 Moments of Grace

2011-11-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Another favorite part of the fall: frost. It is endlessly fascinating to me. And I love that at this point, I have the luxury of being able to stop and take twenty minutes out of my morning to take photos of frosty leaves in the front yard.

I'm going to start something new; not new to the world, but new to me. Courtney has been doing this for over a year now, and for the whole time I've been inspired and blessed by the Moments of Grace she finds in the little things, working up towards one thousand. So since it's November, and everyone else seems to be writing about the things they are thankful for, I'm going to jump in and start my own 1000 Moments of Grace. It'll be beautiful, and encouraging, and will remind me of the things I should focus on, rather than failures, bad attitudes, and general muck.

Moments of Grace (1 - 11)
1. Frost patterns on leaves
2. Hot cocoa made from scratch, with a bit of peppermint
3. Caleb's video game sound effects when he jumps and plays
4. "Jump fives"
5. Comfy pants all day long
6. Waking up with a cold nose, but wrapped in my down comforter
7. Turning the thermostat up to 70
8. French music, and actually understanding the words
9. A well-timed Bible verse, showing me yet again that God knows just what I need
10. Eskimo and butterfly kisses
11. "Manifesto" by The City Harmonic

2011-11-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

Just Another Saturday

2011-11-05T19:36:00.000-06:00

I'm quickly realizing that writing on Saturday is difficult.

We had a wonderful, rare day as a family today; we were all together for the whole day. For a long time I worked only on Saturdays, staying home with Caleb the rest of the week, until my beloved Borders closed. (But that is a whole blog post unto itself...) But now that it's hunting season, most Saturdays and Sundays Eric is out hunting elk, deer, ducks, or whatever else is in season. And Sunday mornings Caleb and I go to church.

So for the three of us to have the entire day together? A rare gift.

We didn't do anything particularly special, aside from a trip to the pet store. We added a plecostomus and three snails to our aquarium today. The snails are my favorite part of the community, aside from the random baby sunset platies that pop out from time to time.

We also braved the insanity of WalMart on a Saturday out of desperation for more Pull-Ups.

We had leftover pizza for breakfast, and Eric made an amazing dinner of duck, gravy, mashed potatoes, and corn. Duck is one of my favorite things to eat, so I was in heaven.

We watched Cars 2 and some college football.

Nothing extraordinary, but everything wonderful. Days like this are hard to beat.

Potty Training

2011-11-04T13:59:00.000-06:00

It's become my arch-nemesis.
It's embarrassing at this point. Caleb is now four-years-old. This should have been mastered one, even two years ago. Half his entire life!
And I'm at my wit's end. I have tried it all. Everything. If there is some new strategy, new bribe, new method, I will be absolutely shocked.
The hardest part is that he gets it. He really does. He just doesn't care enough to make the effort.

So, I beg you, if you have any brilliant ideas, share them? For the sake of my sanity (not to mention my carpets)?

I love the fall, but...

2011-11-03T14:24:00.000-06:00

(tree in our front yard)

I love the fall. It is my favorite season. I love wearing sweaters and long socks and mittens and hats. I love cuddling up under a blanket with Eric or Caleb or even better, both of them. I love pumpkin spice lattes and apple cider and any kind of homemade soup in bread bowls. I love the color changes and the smell of farmers burning whatever it is they burn.

But, despite all the love that I have flying around, days when it is cold and windy and the sky is dark really, really get me down. Days like today. I'm fighting for energy to do anything but huddle on the couch and watch hours of Gossip Girl or Glee or Desperate Housewives.

Filling the bread maker with ingredients for a loaf was a big victory today. (A sad statement.)

I'm stocking up on Vitamin D. That helped quite a bit last year. What about you? Are you affected by yucky weather? How do you combat that?

On a roll

2011-11-02T14:15:00.000-06:00

I'm on a roll today, marking off seven books! Yes, they were short minor prophets for the most part, but still. It was a good push, and much gained ground. The best part is that I actually enjoyed most of it. There are such gems from those prophets, especially Micah, Habakkuk, and Zephaniah, which contains probably my favorite verse in the whole Bible (thus far, at least). I even had the constitution to tackle Ecclesiastes and all its depressing "meaningless" passages.

Micah 7:18-19
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.

Amazing, right? I get goosebumps each time I read that one.

New Challenges

2011-11-01T14:34:00.000-06:00

Okay. So. Courtney has invited me to take the NaBloPoMo challenge. A writing challenge? How could I resist? And as much as I've loved participating in NaNoWriMo, this one seems like the better choice for this year. So here I go...

Honestly, I've been a little overwhelmed lately. We celebrated Caleb's fourth birthday four times last week, along with Halloween and a six hour round-trip drive to watch one of the last games of my sister's soccer career. We've been a busy family.

I've also been consumed with a person challenge. It's a big one, and not one I'm taking lightly at all. I'm reading the Bible, the whole entire thing, and nothing else until I've finished. This is, by far, the longest, most difficult fast I've ever done, as a girl who reads at least one hundred books a year.

It came about when praying for God to show me a specific, tangible way to make his priorities my own. And he gave me this challenge. So. I couldn't really say no to that, nor is it even an option to give up. I'm in the thick of the Old Testament, so disobedience to God doesn't look like a good option. At all. No way am I going against the God of Moses, Jacob, and David.

I'm entering the fourth month of this fast. I have twenty-six books to go, which puts me at just over 60% finished. And at this point it is a daily fight to keep going. I'm exhausted by all the fighting and disobedience. And honestly, I am just dying to pick up a trashy romance or Harry Potter or some French fairy tales. But, like I said, it's not even an option. But the temptation... Oh, the temptation is wearing me thin.

I wrote out a long prayer this morning, begging God for his help and sustenance and strength to keep going. I prayed for a better attitude, and refreshed sense of adventure and thirst. I prayed that I would stay focused on him rather than on all the books I'd rather be reading right now.

And, surprise surprise, he is so wonderfully faithful. The next Psalm in line was 69, which he steadily reminded me that I will not drown- he will rescue me. I continued through Psalm 74, which excited me at the mention of Leviathan. And I received encouragement from two people, one with a phone call, one online- without having reached out to them myself.

So I continue, steadfast and determined.

Something Beautiful

2011-10-15T10:16:00.000-06:00

"Pocket Dragon" by blepharopsis on DeviantArt

I want a chameleon. Badly. Just look at its face! So cute I could die!

Something Beautiful: Cuttlefish

2011-04-14T14:40:00.000-06:00

Quote from Henri Nouwen

2011-04-01T09:42:00.000-06:00

But Jesus came to open my ears to another voice that says, "I am your God, I have molded you with my own hands, and I love what I have made. I love you with a love that has no limits. Do not run away from me. Come back to me - not once, not twice, but always again. You are my child. How can you ever doubt that I will embrace you again, hold you against my breast, kiss you and let my hands run through your hair? I am your God - the God of mercy and compassion, the God of pardon and love, the God of tenderness and care. Please do not say that I have given up on you, that I cannot stand you any more, that there is no way back. It is not true. I so much want you to be with me. I so much want you to be close to me. I know all your thoughts. I hear all your words. I see all of your actions. And I love you because you are beautiful, made in my own image, an expression of my most intimate love. Do not judge yourself. Do not condemn yourself. Do not reject yourself. Let my love touch the deepest, most hidden corners of your heart and reveal to you your own beauty, a beauty that you have lost sight of, but that will become visible to you again in the light of my mercy. Come, come, let me wipe your tears, and let my mouth come close to your ear and say to you, 'I love you, I love you, I love you.' "
-Henri Nouwen, Show Me the Way

Something Beautiful

2011-03-16T09:28:00.000-06:00

Now the Passover and the Feast of Unleavened Bread were only two days away, and the chief priests and the teachers of the law were looking for some sly way to arrest Jesus and kill him. "But not during the Feast," they said, "or the people may riot."

While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

--Mark 14:1-9

And since the act is all there is of you, since humility has reduced you to this single thing alone and now you are no more or no less than your love for the Lord, you yourself are beautiful and rare and rich with meaning.

You are the beauty of faithful loving.

To those who do not truly love, you will ever be ephemeral or else an offense, either a shadow or an idiot. To me you are a model. You gave up all; you became nothing at all save love for the Lord; and exactly so you are remembered. Here, "wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world," is love's moment!

--Walter Wangerin, Jr., Reliving the Passion

Lent

2011-03-11T14:44:00.001-07:00

Although my participation in Lent is a fairly new thing (2007 was my first attempt), I take it incredibly seriously. I feel silly when I write that this year I'm giving up chocolate. I feel like that stereotypical stay-at-home mom who grows fatter each day because of her pathetically cliche addiction to truffles. However, I do honestly feel I've entered an unhealthy relationship with food- and chocolate in particular. I've been using it as a comfort. If I'm upset or angry or sad, I eat hand-fulls chocolate chips or whatever other treats we have around the kitchen. Afterward, I feel extremely guilty, and though it's embarrassing to actually admit, strongly consider throwing it all back up. I am not bulimic, nor have I ever been, but I feel like I could easily end up that way if I don't make some changes. I need to learn and know with every fiber within myself that I don't need to turn to food for comfort.

My other unhealthy addiction is Facebook. I've decided to limit myself to logging on once a day. This sounds silly too, but it IS a challenge to stick to it. There are much more important things I need to occupy my mind and my day with, rather than hourly updates on what my friends are doing.

I also have two devotionals for this Lenten season. The first is Reliving the Passion by Walter Wangerin, Jr. I read this last year, and loved the journey it took me on, with Jesus, to his death and resurrection. The second is Writing to God: 40 Days of Praying With My Pen by Rachel G. Hackenberg. I am so, so excited about this one. It came in the mail today, so I have a couple days of catch-up to do. I've always expressed myself better in writing than in speech, and prayer is no exception.

I'm excited about this Lenten season. I know God will help me continue to grow into the person he wants me to be- free of addiction and over-encumbered by unnecessary things. The anticipation towards the celebration of Easter is growing, as is my desire to spend deeper, richer time with my Lord.

Just Like Daddy

2011-03-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

Caleb wanted to dress like his Daddy today, with a nice shirt and the all-important tie. Maybe in twenty years he'll be an accountant too...

Amazing show!

2011-03-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

Last night Eric took me out to see an incredible show!

First was the incredibly adorable Priscilla Ahn.

Then the North Mississippi Allstars were a delicious surprise.

And then DeVotchKa, who made me cry the whole time.

It was SUCH a good night!

Something Beautiful

2011-02-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

From DeviantArt.com

Gift Card Giveaway!

2011-02-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

Not here, but here: at Dancing with Dragons is Hard on Your Shoes! My friend Miriam is a prolific reader and excellent writer, blogging her journey through the writing and publishing world. She's doing an awesome giveaway that you should absolutely check out!

Something Beautiful

2011-02-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

From DeviantArt.com

Something Beautiful Friday

2011-02-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

From DeviantArt.com

Something Beautiful Wednesday

2011-02-02T10:39:00.001-07:00

from DeviantArt.com

Wherein Lianne learns a huge life lesson.

2011-02-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs."
-Helen Burns, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

A. I'm re-reading Jane Eyre, and loving it even more than the first time. I'm reading the same copy that I read the first time, and am discovering the many ways I've changed in those seven years, and how my whole view of the world has changed. Especially in Volume I. Where I once underlined the parts regarding Jane's outbursts and passions, and how she wept (i.e. "...left to myself I abandoned myself, and my tears watered the boards." - Vol.I, ch.8), now I find myself identifying more with Helen, striving to be even more like her. I've nearly memorized the Sermon on the Mount, and it grows ever more familiar; it's settled into my bones. I've learned to forgive.

B. How long did it take me to learn that lesson! Three and a half years I've been working on one situation in particular. I lost who I thought was my best friend in the most hurtful, shocking way I could imagine: she abandoned me and literally kicked me out of the house we were living in together, at the moment I needed her friendship and support the most.

I was hurt, I was bereft, I was angry and bitter.

This fall I went through the Breaking Free study by Beth Moore, and it did indeed help me break free. My main goal in the study was to get rid of that deep anger and bitterness, to finally forgive the girl who caused me so much grief, and to finally move on. It was hard, hard work. Several months of feeling those feelings again, opening old woulds, and releasing it to God. I intentionally went through the steps of grieving to mourn the loss of such an important friendship. And He has turned my mourning into gladness.

Through all that I was able to finally forgive her. I realized that can also be a daily need. But the nightmares stopped. The anger dissipated. My strong desire for closure was met not through anything from her (I so longed for an apology), but from the knowledge that I was doing my part, and peace in God's presence. I let go, and was free of that prison, and it felt wonderful.

About a month after the study ended, I received a Facebook friend request from her. And I was fine- where once I would have had a panic attack, would have been a wreck. I clicked the "decline" button, without fear, anger, or anything but the quiet, inner strength and pride that I don't need to cling to the past or feel guilty about not falling into my old patterns. Test number one? Passed with ease.

Then that afternoon I received a message from her, completely unexpected. She apologized for everything, and acknowledged how badly it all ended.

I am so, so proud of myself for being able to say, my first thought was of forgiveness. And being stunned that that was what I was thinking. I think my jaw dropped, and I stared at the messaged for a while, not quite knowing what to do. I did not freak out, or panic, or anything like that. God's timing is beautiful and perfect, and I am so grateful for this illustration of his love. Yet again, when I let go of this thing I wanted so badly, and finally put all my trust in him, he so generously gave me the deep desire of my heart. It is a hard lesson to learn, but so rich in its return.

I called my mom, took a shower, and prayed. Mom gave me her usual expert, solid advice, and helped me process the whole situation. I waited through the weekend to reply, taking care not to be hasty in my response. I wanted to make sure it conveyed forgiveness, no anger or bitterness, and yet didn't invite further friendship. I wanted to be amiable, but not setting myself up for the same hurt yet again. It was short and to the point.

I'm so relieved and blessed that it's come full circle. I feel as though I've passed a huge test. I thought I'd let it all go, and was at peace, no anger. So God said, "Okay, Lianne. Let's see how you do with this." And my first, and pervasive thought was (and is), "I forgive her."

It's an amazing gift God has given me. I am truly free, like I had intentionally asked him to help me.

from DeviantArt.com

Balloons! High in the Sky!

2010-10-22T12:41:00.000-06:00

Hunting Season

2010-09-23T15:17:00.001-06:00

Hunting season has begun, and I've been on my own with Caleb for the majority of this month. The past couple years, this encouraged my blogging and boosted posts, but this year I've been happy just to breathe at the end of the day.

Eric is back home, for now. He returned on Sunday from his longest trip of the year- ten days. It's always a rough week for me, and my patience wears thin much too quickly. This year was especially hard, both for me and for Caleb. He missed his Daddy, a whole bunch. And because he still hasn't mastered the English language, he had a difficult time expressing his feelings, and acted out in ways that are so, so different than the quiet, sensitive boy he normally is.

He became violent towards me and even his beloved best friend, Mr. Leopard. He repeatedly said, "No!" when I would ask him to put his toys away, which is not a problem we encounter often. Cleaning up is a game for us, and usually fun. I even resorted to spanking on two different occasions, when I was at the end of my rope and he simply would not obey. He did not cry, but was certainly surprised, and fairly quickly said, "Okay, Mommy," and did what he knew he was supposed to do.

It was exhausting, doing it on my own. It makes me realize just how blessed I am to have Eric, and what an amazing father he is to Caleb, and the best partner I could possibly dream of. These hunting trips make me miss him desperately, and remind me what a wonderful man he is.

And it is so, so worth it. He returns refreshed and energized, even if he sometimes is empty-handed. I'm so glad he has this social and physical outlet, where he gets to do what he loves to do, and be himself- not just Eric the accountant, Eric the Daddy, or Eric the fiance. Hunting is to Eric as dancing is to me. As hard as it is for me to see him go, I am supportive and encouraging, because I love him so deeply, and love to see him excited and even a little bit giddy. He takes such good care of me, and I absolutely want to reciprocate. He absolutely deserves it.

Something Beautiful

2010-09-01T16:36:00.000-06:00

Perfect timing: I just finished watching the entire DVD titled The Gods Aren't Angry. And its message is so very beautiful. Here is a clip of the last ten minutes, that truly brought me to tears.

Train Obsessed

2010-08-25T17:05:00.000-06:00

This is Caleb's new shirt. His new favorite shirt. He loves this shirt so much, in fact, that today is the fifth day in a row he's worn it. (I've washed it twice since his Nana gave it to him last week.)

Caleb has officially entered a full-blown train obsession. He can tell you all about high-speed trains, snow trains, box cars, coal cars, lumber cars, gas tanks, and smokestacks. Part of the mountain of books we read every day are these ones; we both have them memorized due to the fact that we read them a limit of five times a day, and more than that, and I'll go crazy. These are not ones I can simply hide in the "banned books" cabinet (to join the ranks of Bob the Builder and The Very Busy Spider, among others Eric and I have had our fill of), because he'll notice right away if they're missing.

Caleb has certainly inherited his daddy's drive; once he's interested in something, he goes all out. His attention span is longer than mine, and right now all of his attention is concentrated on trains!

Something Beautiful Wednesday

2010-08-25T12:22:00.001-06:00

http://nlr4.deviantart.com/art/Click-90971027

What's with today, today?

2010-08-24T14:02:00.000-06:00

Today, I am worn out. I woke up feeling not a bit refreshed, but just as exhausted as when my head hit the pillow eight hours earlier. So I took the easy way our, popping in a Mighty Machines movie for Caleb, gave him breakfast (his choice today was a hot dog), and collapsed into the recliner. An hour an a half later, first movie over, second started, and I fell right back asleep. Again, next thing I knew, the movie was over, and it was lunch time. Mac & cheese, Cars, and yet again, I was in and out of sleep in the chair.

This is highly unusual, especially how perfect it looks outside. Why I can't muster any energy is beyond me. Coffee, brownies, protein... nothing is waking me up. Bleh. Tomorrow will be better, and I'll be the good, involved mommy I should be.

On a better note, we had such an incredible dinner last night, I just have to share.

Eric's masterful grilled chicken in a tortilla wrap with fresh romaine lettuce, roasted red peppers, feta cheese, and bacon. I made some quick gnocchi and drizzled it with olive oil mixed with basil fresh from our garden, pepper, Parmesan cheese, and Italian seasoning. We ate on the patio in our backyard, and it was the perfect temperature with a light breeze, and we were in heaven. It really was a wonderful evening.

Something Beautiful

2010-08-18T15:50:00.000-06:00

http://annejulie.deviantart.com/art/L-Envol-des-Libellules-160930224

Blank, Again

2010-08-15T23:26:00.000-06:00

It's been another blank journal period. The kind that sneaks up on me, and I lose the ability to write. And honestly, writing, for me, is crucial. Writing is how I process what I'm going through in life. If I'm not keeping up on my journal, I tend to sink farther and deeper into a bleak and listless funk.

It's been a couple months since I really sat down and wrote what I was feeling or doing. It needs to change. If I don't get my feelings channeled into words on a page (or screen), then I just internalize away and lose focus of who is more important in life: Eric and Caleb.

I think I have been coasting by, lost in books and tv shows. I haven't been involved in a really good Bible study since the early spring, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it as well. If I'm not grounded at least weekly, if not daily, in some serious study, I quickly turn back into the unintentional, selfish person I want so badly to not be.

Next month I'll be starting two heavy studies: Beth Moore's Breaking Free, and Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy. I'm extremely excited to dig into both. I crave knowledge, I crave understanding. I am certain this fall will be a big growth period, as a Christian, as a human being.

Something Beautiful

2010-08-11T16:02:00.000-06:00

http://tote.deviantart.com/art/MUELLE-EN-ATITLAN-138713088

Quote

2010-08-02T15:37:00.000-06:00

"If we aren't careful, our success and security and abundance can lead to a certain sort of boredom, a numbing predictability, a paralyzing indifference that comes from being too comfortable."
-Rob Bell, Drops Like Stars

Two Realizations

2010-07-30T14:57:00.000-06:00

This week I've come to two realizations about my life:

1. Full moon = nightmares all week.
Is this crazy, or what? For the past however long, I can't remember when this didn't happen, every month I'll have a week where I dream nothing but nightmares. See, I remember at least one, sometimes even two or three, dreams every night. It's extremely rare that I don't. So I started keeping track of when this week of nightmares happens, and the other day I found the patter. The week of the full moon. Now, this could be a coincidence, but I'm pretty sure it's not.
What this means? I have no idea. Strange, for sure. At least now I'll know when to expect them.

2. Stormy days = sleepy Lianne.
I don't know if it's the energy, or the color of the sky, or what exactly it is about cloudy, stormy days. Whatever it is, it makes me nearly narcoleptic. For example, this dark and stormy afternoon (tee hee), Caleb was munching on his lunch, playing with his wooden train and mega blocks tunnels, and watching Winnie the Pooh while I was reading. Next thing I know, it's an hour and a half later, the movie has reverted to the menu screen, and Caleb is in his room playing with matchbox cars on his road rug. Crazy.

What about you? Do you have any strange reactions to weather/nature?

Layout problem is fixed!

2010-07-30T09:50:00.001-06:00

Hooray! Hooray! No more doubled blog posts! WHAT a relief!

Something Beautiful

2010-07-28T09:39:00.000-06:00

http://dechobek.deviantart.com/art/09-71342662

Something Beautiful

2010-07-23T09:25:00.000-06:00

I know, it's not Wednesday, but I have a good excuse for being a couple days late.

All of Wednesday and Thursday I spent reading the entire 522 pages of The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I'm a bit of a procrastinator, and had left the reading of this book club selection (MY book club selection) to the week of our meeting. Yikes. BUT. I did it! And it was a success with the other members of the club too, which I was super worried about; it seems like people either love or hate Margaret Atwood, no in-betweeners.

So, even though it's Friday, here is this week's something beautiful.

http://dechobek.deviantart.com/art/high-hopes-166998161

Flog Yo Blog and My Favorite Song

2010-07-15T16:07:00.000-06:00

This song has been THE most influential song to me. It's been my favorite since early high school, and never, ever gets old. It also almost always brings me to tears. I hope you find it as moving as I do.

Something Beautiful Wednesday

2010-07-14T10:04:00.001-06:00

Lilly and Her Soviet Sub V2

http://jasinski.deviantart.com/art/Lilly-and-Her-Soviet-Sub-V2-517942

One More Step

2010-07-12T08:59:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to simplify my outlook on life by asking, "What's my one next step?" Rather than getting overwhelmed by everything I want to accomplish, or everything that makes me feel so deeply, by asking this question it takes down the stress level a bit, and gives me a way to process something I can actually, physically do, instead of merely thinking of the many, many things to do.

This morning I took another step on the road to a healthier, thinner me. I actually woke up with the alarm clock, put on my sneakers, and went for a run. Voluntarily. For someone who loathes running, this some good progress. It wasn't a fast run, and it certainly wasn't a long run. But I DID IT, and that's what matters.

Flog Yo Blog "Friday"

2010-07-08T19:44:00.000-06:00

Blog hopping time!

Charlaine Harris has a monopoly on my reading time.

2010-07-08T14:13:00.000-06:00

This is frustrating to me. Gone is my ability to devour a history book. My thirst for poetry and linguistics is no longer there. The desire to learn more about psychology and current events? Gone. The quest to read everything Margaret Atwood has written? Set aside. Bible study? Eked out at the last minute (literally). Tackling those classics I've never gotten around to? They can wait.

Nothing but the Sookie Stackhouse series will satisfy me. I feel pretty guilty. I feel lazy. But they are so juicy and delicious! And oh so much fun after some pretty intense reads (The Count of Monte Cristo, Infidel, Pride and Prejudice, Moby Dick, the Preacher graphic novels, etc). It's good to relax and give my brain a vacation, right? Sometimes it really is nice to sink my teeth (tee hee!) into a book that doesn't take too much energy to get through.

I feel better, after that guilty admission. And so, further neglecting household chores and the quest for higher intellect, I'm on to Dead to the World, in which Eric the statuesque viking vampire is wearing a red speedo. Mmmhmm.

Something Beautiful Wednesday

2010-07-07T13:16:00.001-06:00

http://alphaosiris.deviantart.com/art/Giant-Man-Eating-Jellyfish-39362067

Caterpillar

2010-07-02T20:51:00.000-06:00

Today was a beautiful day: not too hot, not too breezy, perfect for spending several hours outside. While I was pulling weeds and Caleb was helping, we stopped for about fifteen or twenty minutes to admire a caterpillar. He still wasn't thrilled about holding a bug himself, but loved that I would. He also thought the inch-worm way of moving was one of the most funny things he'd ever seen. It made such a big impression on him that he told Eric about the "tiny green caterpillar" when he got home from work.

This is precisely why I love having this time with my little boy. I love introducing him to the nature, to science, to the world in which we live.

Something Beautiful Wednesday

2010-06-30T10:19:00.000-06:00

Today's something beautiful is a photograph of one of my favorite places on earth: The Arch in Antigua, Guatemala. I've spent some time there studying Spanish and for debriefing after several mission projects. That city has a piece of my heart, and I wanted to share it with you.

http://juan-arita.deviantart.com/art/Arch-in-Antigua-Guatemala-64131113

Camping Weekend

2010-06-28T14:49:00.000-06:00

This is where we spent our weekend:

It was just an absolutely beautiful place. Caleb was thrilled to camp on the "beach," and made the most of the giant sandbox.

Eric enjoyed fishing.

And we saw a deer!

We attended a good friend's wedding, enjoyed good food and drinks, caught up with friends I haven't seen since high school, and relaxed by the river. And despite the migraine I had Saturday night (and we'd forgotten to bring up ibuprofen or anything), it was an excellent, beautiful time in the mountains.

Something Beautiful Wednesday

2010-06-23T09:05:00.000-06:00

I'm going to give this a try: Every Wednesday will be a post about something beautiful, be it a poem, a photo, or anything else that touches my soul.

For this week, a poem by Rumi.

"BIRDWINGS"

Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror
up to where you're bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.

Quote

2010-06-22T14:26:00.000-06:00

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible." —Vladimir Nabakov

Caleb Loves Bugs

2010-06-22T08:40:00.000-06:00

Which is wonderful, I think, for a two and a half-year-old boy. He's fascinated by all the bugs we come across. Now, for a mommy that is generally really creeped out by those creepy-crawlies, it's been a bit of a challenge. I'm trying to overcome my squeamish reaction, so I can teach him better, and show him not to be afraid of exploring the world around him. I can hold ladybugs and rolly-polies, but that's about it. Worms and earwigs are still way too much for me to handle; so we just observe them from where we sit, or stand, in my case.

The other night when leaving a restaurant after dinner, I found a ladybug on the car door while Eric was buckling Caleb into his car seat. So I put it in my palm, and showed Caleb. He was so thrilled! "Look! A bug! So tiny!" Though he refused to hold it himself, I love the fascination his face expresses.

And yesterday while weeding our one finished planter in the back yard, Caleb found the bees in the salvia. I love that he's not afraid of them (yet?), and we can talk about pollination while observing it first hand. (I also love that after watching them for about ten minutes, he decided to run around the back yard buzzing like a little bee, too.)

My little scientist... I can't wait to see what we explore next.

I Win!

2010-06-18T15:57:00.000-06:00

I know, it's silly, but still. After MONTHS of trying, I finally beat the expert setting of Minesweeper.

So that's my big new for today.
But.
I'm working on a post regarding BIG news, and it will be great. I think so, anyway. Stay tuned!

It is FINALLY summer!

2010-06-14T14:44:00.000-06:00

And this is why:

Last night we pulled out Caleb's pool and slide, and let him go a little crazy. This boy would have stayed out there all night if we hadn't brought his shivering, blue-lipped body inside.

I finished a wonderful little book called Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh this afternoon. It is rich with insight and wisdom into daily life and relationships. I checked this copy out of the library, but must add it to my personal library; there are quite a few passages that deserve highlighting.

My library, by the way, is nearly complete! One entire wall is bookcases now, and I only have a few more boxes to take care of before my happy place is officially finished. Excitement!

I'm Back! and An Award!

2010-06-11T18:08:00.000-06:00

So... After a LONG absence due to a two-plus lack of internet access, I am back! It'll take me a while to catch up on all I've missed, but I am absolutely looking forward to it.

Also, Nikki over at The Lunatic Cafe gave me this award!

Totally unexpected, and absolutely appreciated!

Inventory

2010-04-20T15:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was quite the crazy day... At work, we had inventory, and I was one of the select few who was able to go in at 4:00am. Honestly, I was excited to participate. RPLing (finding books on the shelf from a list, then returning them to the publisher) is my favorite thing to do at work, and it was even better doing it for several hours without interruption. Aside for the ridiculously early hour, I was in work heaven.

Needless to say, it's thrown off my sense of time. I don't usually work during the week, so my brain was convinced it was a regular Saturday. And by the time we went to bed, I was in that delirious-tired stage where everything is funny- even knock-knock jokes. I slept like a rock, though.

Crucifixion by Eric Drooker

2010-04-15T14:51:00.000-06:00

I promise I'm not a morbid person. I don't normally meditate on such morose, macabre things (see Good Friday post). But last night at the women's Bible study I attend, we sat with this picture for a few minutes, letting it seep into our thoughts and hearts. It's so powerful, and I wanted to share.

(You can find more of the artist's work at www.drooker.com.)

On a much lighter note, this is my first time doing this:

April Excitement!

2010-04-08T15:04:00.000-06:00

The three of us had a blast dying Easter eggs; it was Caleb's first time, and he loved it!

And last night, Eric gave me an early birthday present: sidewalk chalk!

Walking and Planting

2010-04-06T17:01:00.000-06:00

Taking full advantage of the nicer weather this morning (which has since deteriorated back into clouds and near rain), my grandma and I took a walk around out neighborhood.

Mom started this a couple months ago, suggesting that she, Grandma, my sister and her sons, and Caleb and I walk together twice a week. Mom, Grandma, and I have been faithful, my sister has joined us only once. However, two weeks ago, Mom was hired (!!!) doing a familiar job. So now it's back down to Grandma and I. I'm loving it. It's exciting to have that time with her; we've never had that before. I'm loving getting to know her as a person, someone other than "the mystical entity that is Grandma." Very exciting.

Then right after I put Caleb down for his nap, I quickly planted my newest plants: a fern, a forsythia, and some flowers that look like poppies but aren't (and I can't remember their name right now). It felt good to dig in the earth, until I chopped an earthworm in two; I did a little freak-out dance and stifled my gag reflex. I have to remind myself to be thankful for the worms; worms are my plants' friends. It's a constant learning process.

Good Friday

2010-04-02T15:07:00.001-06:00

Every year Good Friday becomes an increasingly difficult day for me.
This year, the sky is dark, and it is windy and steadily raining. Fitting weather for such a somber day.

It's hard for me to hold in my head the gravity of today. The depth of sorrow and pain, is hard to stomach. I try to hold onto the image of my Jesus on the cross, broken and scourged in the worst imaginable ways. I try to hold onto him and honor him, but it's a fight to keep my mind in that space. It is so dark, so hopeless, so full of guilt, I subconsciously push it away.

But today is the day I need to be in that dark place. To remember the immense sacrifice. To remember that Jesus endured the darkness of Hell (God shut him out and turned away) so I wouldn't have to bear that eternal rejection of the Father.

It's too big for me to grasp, really. I am so small, so wretched, so undeserving, and yet Jesus loves me. It sounds trite and overstated, but I know no other way.

It seems so easy to tune out these thoughts, move on to happier things, but I'm trying not to. I'm trying. Because today my Savior dies, and will be buried, and the world will be bleak and dark and empty because I am nothing without him. But on Sunday his tomb will be empty, and he will have conquered even death.

Amazing love. Amazing grace.
I can only be thankful and full of awe.

What do I have to say?

2010-03-31T15:27:00.000-06:00

I always feel this driving need to write. My fingers itch to type words, a blank sheet of paper is begging to be filled.

But what do I have to write about? What do I have to say?

There is only so much I can write about the weather... And daily chores are hardly interesting. I'm not witty, I'm not funny, and my sarcasm doesn't translate well in cyber-space.

And what do I really have to say? I don't even know; I don't even know where to start. All I know is that I desire to write, I long to write. I want to update my blog daily, but never know what to say.

How do I develope my voice? How do I weed out what thoughts are useless and redundant, and what thoughts are worth growing?

I suppose this is a start.

Not what I meant...

2010-03-30T16:28:00.000-06:00

So this morning I was singing, "Rain, rain, go away; come again another day," with Caleb. A few minutes later, it started snowing. Snowing sideways. And two days ago, the temperature was in the sixties. Ah, Idaho weather, how fickle you can be. Snow was not what I had in mind when I wished the rain would go away...

New Clothes

2010-03-12T14:02:00.001-07:00

I went shopping at Old Navy yesterday to pick up a couple skirts; hooray for sales! It was nice, and so generous of Eric to tell me to buy some new things, especially when I don't really need them, just want them. But oh the horror of the dressing rooms. There is nothing more frustrating to me than picking out an item that I love and just can't live without, only to try it on and end up looking either a. pregnant, which I am not, or b. like a toad stool. Yuck. I ended up skipping a dress I'd fallen in love with, but did find a couple skirt that look pretty cute.

I'm definitely cured of my shopping craving for a few weeks now. Any more than that, and I don't think I'd survive.

Progress

2010-03-05T17:33:00.001-07:00

Due to my diligence in exercising five times a week, and the switching of birth control, I am finally, finally seeing some results. I cannot tell you how encouraging this is to see. My pants feel a little looser, my shirts fit a little better, my belt is two notches tighter, and my abs are retaking shape. After so much work, and changing our diet, I'm more than thrilled.

Today is a good day. The sun is out, the sky is blue, and Caleb and I enjoyed most of our afternoon outdoors- pre and post lunch.

Notes on Joy

2010-02-11T16:23:00.001-07:00

For Bible study this week we did a word study on "joy." What does it mean to have joy? If I lack joy, am I missing the Holy Spirit, since a sign of having the Holy Spirit is joy?

I have always struggled with those questions, and with the guilt that came from not feeling joyful as I thought I should. But after meeting this morning and putting together everything we'd discovered and meditated on throughout the past two weeks (we didn't meet last week), I came to some incredible, freeing realizations:

1. Joy is not a feeling. It is from God; God's joy, not mine.

2. Joy is something God creates in us, not something we feel (Psalm 51).

3. In the Old Testament, joy is shown outwardly, as with the Holy Spirit (i.e. dancing, singing, the pillar of fire, the temple). Whereas in the New Testament joy is an inward manifestation of the Holy Spirit, and I become the outward symbol of Jesus (i.e. light, salt, temple).

How freeing to realize that joy isn't something that I have, it is something that God has and shares with me. This strips away all the guilt I have been feeling, and takes my focus off of me and places it back on God, where it rightfully should be.

Kindred Books

2010-02-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

I love it when I start reading a new book, and know by page 4 that I need to own it, so I can underline and highlight to my touched heart's content. It's like meeting someone and realizing you are kindred spirits; I love when kindred books find me.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (he wrote Blue Like Jazz) is that way. I feel like the author has written what I couldn't find the right words to say. It resonates deep within me; he felt at that time what I am feeling now. How wonderful to identify. And how wonderful to find a beautiful/true sentence on nearly every single page. (For example, this just blew me away: "Somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller." Amazing.)

Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen is another one that grabbed me right away. How could it not, with words like this: "When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true bleonging."
Or this: "Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved for all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace." Just... wow. Powerful, empowering stuff, that.

I also love when I am itching to dig into a stack of new books. I've been given and/or lent several books I can't wait to start on. (Redeeming Love from Mom; A Million Miles in a Thousand Years from S; Dog On It from A; Silky Dream Girl from Eric's mom; and I'm in the middle of World War Z from F.) I love that my closest friends and family know me so well they can recommend books they know I'll enjoy; I love when I can do the same for them.

So what about you? Any recommendations? What should I immediately add to my list?

Oooh Man, Am I Sore

2010-02-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

Aside from the fact that I'm coming down with the flu or another sinus infection, or something equally yucky, I. am. sore.

I've been taking a weekly modern dance class for over a year now, and have been absolutely loving it. It was one of the key things that helped bring me out of my post-partum depression, and into the light of a fulfilled, happy life. It challenges me to meet new people, something I am usually not thrilled to do, due to my on-going self-esteem issues. (Will they like me? Will they think I'm stupid? Annoying? Fat? etc.)

In short, it's been very, very good for me.

This week, I added a second dance class to my schedule: African dance. Oh my goodness, I cannot tell you just how much fun this class is. First of all, there are live drummers providing the music. It is so energizing and exciting. Also, the instructor is legit, having studied dance in Africa, as have most of the drummers. She teaches by example, not using many words at all. Everyone is smiling and sweating and loving it. It is so, so much fun.

But my goodness, my legs are so sore after two nights of dance in a row. My calves will be amazingly toned in no time though, for sure.

I love being able to be so involved in something I love so much. I love that Eric is so supportive of my desire to take these classes, and not resentful at all that I'll be spending one more evening out of our home. I love that he encourages me to do these things, and that he loves who I am and how happy it makes me to dance.

I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to take these classes, to explore new ways of self-expression, and to (gasp) meet new people with similar interests. I am blessed, indeed.

Too little time...

2010-01-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

Within the two-hour confine of Caleb's nap time, every day, I attempt the following:

>Work out. At least 20 minutes. (Wii Fit, Skinny Bitch, American Ballet Workout, or Yoga)
>Read books. For my own pleasure, for Bible study, or for book club.
>Bible study. For my other Bible study.
>Check internet things. Email, blogs, facebook, etc.
>Shower or bath.
>Start making dinner.
>Watch non Caleb-appropriate tv show or movie. Depending on what I've checked out at the Library or am currently addicted to. This month it's been Gossip Girl season 2, my guiltiest pleasure.
>Write. Either in my paper journal or this blog. Usually neither gets done though.

There's just too little time.

But I do plan on making more of an effort when it comes to writing. I don't know what I have to write about that hasn't been written by entirely better writers before. I don't have new thoughts to think, new wisdom to share. I do know that if I'm not writing daily, my thoughts get all mixed up and crazy, and I can't think as well. Feelings get bottled up, and if I don't get them down on paper, they are likely to eat me up from the inside out.

I realized a few weeks ago, while looking through my shelves of journals, that I have been writing ever since I was first able. My very first diary is from when I was five-years-old, in kindergarten. From then on, I have an almost constant account of my thoughts and feelings. And while there are some gaps, I also realized those gaps, the times when I wasn't writing, are the darkest periods of my life.

Ergo, I must keep writing if I want to keep my sanity. I've started reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, and it's proving itself an incredibly motivating and inspiring aid.

So, we'll see how it goes.

Doing something about it

2010-01-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

To combat those gloomy clouds I've begun taking Vitamin D every morning. It's too soon to tell if it's making an impact on my moods, so we'll see in the next few weeks. I have high hopes though.

I've been working out a little more consistently as another response to my gloom and apathy. This is making a difference. As long as I pull out Wii Fit to at least do a daily fitness test, I'll most likely keep going for a while, sometimes up to an hour. This combined with the Skinny Bitch dvd's (which I've been neglecting for a while, but have restarted this week) and dance class, I'm sure I'll be seeing the results I want in no time. That, and Eric came up with an incentive for me: a new pair of shoes for every 15 pounds I lose. And what an incentive it is! Since my feet grew three sizes when I was pregnant, and have since gone down only one size, my shoe collection is pretty small and sad. So with this to motivate me, I am feeling, well, motivated.

Today is a good day, and I'm feeling upbeat and happy. It's a nice change from the self-loathing and apathy I felt all weekend. Hopefully this sticks!

How about the weather?

2010-01-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

There is something to be said about how profoundly I am affected by the weather. Days, weeks like these unbearably cold and cloudy ones eliminate any drive or ambition I may have. I just want to stay snuggled under the covers and sleep it away. Ususally I end up snuggled under a blanket on the couch watching Sesame Street and Clifford, then switching to a musical or Disney movie, anything Caleb-appropriate.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of winter. Bring me back the sun and my motivation. I'm so tired of the gloomy clouds.

2009 in Review

2009-12-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

For the past several years in my journals I've filled out this same Year-End Review. I think it's neat to read over last year's answers and fill in the new, to see how I've grown and changed, and now how my family has grown and changed. And so, in keeping with my own little tradition, here is my 2009 in Review.

Age you turned in 2009: 23

Was it a good year? tough but good

Where were you when it began? At home with Eric and Caleb, drinking champagne

Where will you be when it ends? With Eric, Felicia, and Laurence

What were your favorite moments? Spending so much time at the zoo and Library! downtown, both camping trips, BUYING OUR HOUSE, the rose-petal bath Eric surprised me with on a really bad day, seeing Ingrid Michaelson's concert, dance class

Did you have a New Year's resolution? Did you keep it?
-Lose weight - a little
-Eat healthier - Yes!
-Read 100 books - Yes! Grand total is 115!

Do you have a resolution for 2010?
-Lose 50+ pounds
-Read 150 books
-Find a good network of friends

Did you change your hair this year? Nope. I let it grow out.

Did you make any friends? Felicia

What was your favorite month of 2009?
May- for going to the zoo and Library! nearly every day
September- for going camping
December- for realizing birth-control problem and FINALLY starting to lose weight, and Christmas!

How many states did you visit? none

Did you lose anyone close to you? Thankfully, no

What were your favorite movies? Pineapple Express, Rocknrolla, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, Henry Poole is Here, Stardust

What was your favorite song? "Hey I Love You"

What was your favorite album?

What was your favorite tv show? The Office, Chuck, So You Think You Can Dance, Flight of the Conchords, Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Weeds, Deadwood, Glee (my goodness, that's a lot!)

What was your favorite hangout? The zoo and the Library!

Did you do anything you're ashamed of? Being so self-centered and bogged down in self-loathing. This year I want to love myself so that I can better love Eric and Caleb.

Funniest moment of 2009? Caleb eating dirt, and bugs, and dog food.

Most embarrassing moment? I can't think of anything this time.

Any new hobbies? still dancing

Did you get a job? Lose a job? Still at the bookstore

Did you get in a car accident? No

Did you get any tickets? No

What song will always remind you of 2009? I'm still working on this answer...

Something you couldn't leave home without: Diaper bag, library card

Any last thoughts on 2009? I finally feel satisfied, secure, and settled. Buying this house was huge! Keeping all my resolutions is amazing; I've never done that before. Bible Study and dance class were hugely instrumental in bringing me out of my depression.

Any plans for 2010? Continue hiking and camping, walking around the neighborhood. Generally living a more fit lifestyle. And loving. I plan to love everyone I encounter, and love deeper and truer- including myself.

So there you have it. This year I omitted some questions that I deemed redundant and unnecessary:
Did you get arrested?
Did you fall in love?
Did you break up with anyone?
Did you have a valentine?
I don't expect the answers to those questions to ever change, so why bother?

What about you? Any thoughts? I'd love to hear your 2009 observations.

Free!

2009-11-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of this, I just can't hold back.
Due to the arrival of our fist-time home-buyer's tax refund, today I was able to pay off ALL of my remaining debts! I cannot tell you just how wonderful it feels to be suddenly released from those burdens! I do know that I've certainly learned my lesson(s) regarding smart credit card use, and will NOT be making those mistakes again. My goodness, it is a wonderful day!

Caleb's 2nd Birthday

2009-10-27T14:23:00.000-06:00

...was two days ago, the 25th. I still can't believe my little one is a whole two years old now! Here are a few pictures from his big day:

Daddy helping with presents

Plane!

Peeking...

Dino!

Decorations for his party

Pictures

2009-10-23T15:06:00.000-06:00

Caleb loves ravioli.

And steak with home-made french fries.

And playing the ukulele.

And his sombrero.

And playing the ukulele some more.

Quick Update

2009-10-06T19:17:00.000-06:00

I need to make this quick because I am at the public library, seeing as we no longer have internet at home.
Why do we no longer have internet at home? Because we've spent the past week moving!
It's been about the craziest two weeks ever, and I'm exhausted. All the packing, moving, unpacking, not to mention the incredible amount of roller-coaster emotions I'm still trying to sort out...

Two Fridays ago, Eric closed on the house.
The following Monday we got the keys.
Tuesday we hired piano movers and rented a U-Haul truck to cart all our heavy furniture, etc. across town. We also got Caleb's room set up so he would be comfortable and unafraid in this new setting.
Wednesday I spent six straight hours cleaning up the rental. When Eric and Trisha got there, I was able to take off for dance class (which F. and I decided to skip in liu of pizza, wine, and Sex and the City).
Thursday unpacked the kitchen and living room.
Friday unpacked the music room and our bedroom.
Saturday I worked.
Sunday I helped in elementary Sunday school. And then I rested. That night Eric and I drank a bottle of champagne in celebration of our new home.
Monday I really rested.

So there we have it up until now. More details and pictures to come, soon, I hope. We'll see how the internet situation works out. For now I'm content to spend time here at the library. It's my happy place. :)

Hooray!

2009-09-21T23:45:00.000-06:00

Eric and Dad safely arrived home from their hunting trip Saturday night! Even better, it turned out to be a successful hunt for the both of them! Eric got his 5x6 point bull on Wednesday morning; his first ever! And Dad got a bull calf on Friday; this was his first with his bow! I am so proud of the both of them, and so excited that they had such a wonderful time.

Most of Sunday, and this evening too, we've spent painstakingly butchuring Eric's bull. They've estimated that when we're done it will be between 100 and 150 pounds of meat. We nearly finished packing his tonight, and tomorrow will hopefully finish Dad's as well. It is such tedious work, but good, and oh so worth it.

I have a bit of a hard time being around all that raw meat; it's a little gory, and makes me feel like I'm in an episode of Dexter or something. But it's okay, and I help with what I can- which is mostly just wrapping the saran-wrapped meat in butcher paper; I won't touch raw meat if I can avoid it. (Earlier this week when I made fajitas and Eric wasn't here to cut the chicken into strips, I put sandwich bags over my hands to keep from fully feeling the raw chicken. Pathetic, silly, I know.)

We're all pretty exhausted, the men more than me, by far, so I'll post more later, when I have more energy to gush about just how wonderful it is to have my man home with me again. :)

First Attempt at Adding Photos...

2009-09-18T15:35:00.001-06:00

Caleb loves to play the piano.

Favorite buddies.

We've been putting together puzzles a lot lately.

Highlights of the Past Few Days

2009-09-17T23:59:00.000-06:00

Caleb ate a grasshopper. So. Gross. But, I figured people eat them all the time, chocolate-covered and whatnot, so I didn't bother to fish it out of his mouth. It still makes me shudder.
Looking at photos of our family. Caleb misses his Daddy, for sure. He's been sitting in front of the refrigerator, reaching for the pictures of him and Eric. And on the photo mobile in his room, he waves and says, "Daddy, hi!" or, "Daddy, bye!" when it's time for bed. So precious.
Playing cars, making car sounds. Our bodies have become the roads, and this makes Caleb laugh hard. We've been having a ton of fun with that game.
Caleb is putting together puzzles all by himself! Last week he could get two or three pieces together; this week he's conquering the whole thing! Sometimes he gets frustrated when he can't turn the piece to fit just right, but usually he figures it out without my help anymore.
Bible Study started back up on Tuesday. We're doing a book study on Why Not Women by Loren and Cunningham. I'm loving it so far. I'm so excited to get to know all the new women in the group. I've been craving this all summer. When I picked Caleb up from Mom's house (she babysat), he was asleep in bed with her. Mom and I talked for a while, then when I gathered up my little boy, he woke up and sleepily said, "Hi," and gave me a big hug, and touched his fingers to my lips and cheek. It was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever had with him. Incredibly sweet, incredibly precious. My heart soared.
Last night my modern dance class started up again too. Last fall I started taking a beginning modern class, and now our fantastic teacher has opened an advanced class for us. I don't consider myself advanced at all, but it's great to progress in what we learned last year, and through the summer. This class had a major part in pulling me out of my depression. The benefit of doing something I love again, and having that time to be out of the house and without worry is priceless. I'm so thankful Eric encourages me to continue.
Yesterday I read a gem of a book called My French Whore by Gene Wilder, the actor. It was simply written, short, but a beautiful story during WWI. I highly recommend it.
I need to take a break from heart-breaking movies. Slumdog Millionaire last night, American History X today (during Caleb's nap). Both were beautifully done, and so thought-provoking, but too much for me to handle. I don't think I could watch Slumdog again. I cried through the whole thing, shaking during the violent parts. My heart broke, knowing these things are not exaggerations or fiction; these things happen every day to living, breathing children. It is so difficult for me to accept this. It reminded me so much of The Kite Runner; wonderfully written book, but too heavy for my sensitive heart to handle. Edward Norton, as always, was stunning in his portrayal of a white supremacist. I had to close my eyes during several of the violent parts though. Not pictures I want in my head, for sure. I fell asleep watching Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. I am so in love with this. I'll probably watch it again tonight. Either that or Glee.
So tonight, to relax my mind and take a step back from all the heavy material I've been exposing myself to, I watched The Office. Not as funny as the second or third seasons, but still pretty good. Then I drew myself a hot bath, poured a tall glass of Ste Chapelle Soft Red, and read Gossip Girl in the bath for an hour. It was glorious. So relaxing, and felt wonderful on my achy muscles (the month-long break from dance made me lazy).
The best part of today was when Eric called. He and Dad drove into town to get more ice, and had cell service, so we got to talk for just over two minutes. It was so good to hear his voice, to hear how excited he is and about how much fun he is having. He sounded so happy. I'm glad to know he's having such a good time, and is safe. I worry; my imagination runs away with itself. I got a little teary after we said, "I love you," and hung up; it made me miss him that much more.

Not a bad week so far. It's had ups and downs, but overall we're doing good.

Off to watch Dr. Horrible. Or Glee. I can't decide.

Eventful Day

2009-09-13T23:43:00.000-06:00

We were busy today!

Church this morning went well; better than I had expected. Without Eric or my parents there to help out with Caleb, I was a little nervous that I wouldn't get to hear the sermon, and that I would end up spending the entire time in the nursery with Caleb. He has a bit of a hard time going in there, super shy and scared to let go of Mommy and Daddy. Some weeks he's great and only takes a few minutes to settle in and get comfortable with the other kids and adults. Some weeks he does the serious monkey cling and won't let go for the entire hour. Thankfully, this week was a good week. I wasn't sure if he would be more clingy, what with Eric being gone and all, but he did great. I am so proud of him.

I really enjoyed the sermon on the Sermon on the Mount. Great perspective, and Tom always presents a new way of looking at things, be it an issue or the phrasing in a sentence. It was great to go over it as a whole, because it's usually broken down into chunks, and I have a hard time following the over-arching themes. It was a rich morning, giving me lots to think about and internalize.

Then a quick lunch at mom's before heading down to Art in the Park! This is one of my favorite things. We spent three hours walking around, wishing we had thousands of extra dollars to spend on all the cool paintings, crafts, photographs, jewelry, scarves, woodwork, handcrafted tows, etc. I think I'll have to start setting aside money for next year- a strictly "Art in the Park Fund." We were both very good, restraining ourselves from the many, many temptations. I did end up getting two beautiful 5x7 prints of paintings by http://www.deancrouser.com : the first a hunter with an elk in the snow, and the second a hunter aiming at a pheasant in flight. We spent quite a while in his booth; I couldn't decide which one to get. I wanted all of them! I'm pretty satisfied with the ones I chose.

After three hours in the 90+ degree heat, we headed home. Caleb briefly showed off his toys before mom left. Then I made the oh-so-tasty Hamburger Helper while not really watching football. After dinner, Caleb was thrilled to take a bath, being the water baby that he is. In the past couple weeks, he's discovered the immense joy of splashing with the assistance of big bath toys, resulting in a very soaked bathroom. I couldn't have been more drenched even if I were in the tub with him! I probably shouldn't indulge that behavior, but his full-on laughs are too much to resist. He would stay and play in the tub all day if he could...

I just finished watching the movie Doubt. I thoroughly enjoyed it, to say the least. I thought it brought up great questions regarding humanity, difficult situations, judgement, and faith. So thought-provoking, so eloquent in its simplicity and depth.

So now it's off to bed, hopefully to force myself to sleep before 3:00am. Really, I have the worst trouble sleeping when Eric's gone. This is only the third night, and I'm already exhausted. It'll be okay though. It's so worth it.

New Facial Expressions

2009-09-12T23:06:00.000-06:00

Well, the men are officially off, and it's now my second night without Eric. Last night, Caleb and I had a spend-the-night with mom, since she was going to babysit Caleb while I went to work today, and we would have had to drive back across town again in the early morning. I think it was too much excitement for Caleb, seeing as he woke up several times, then seriously woke up at 5:30am. WAY too early for my taste. But he ended up taking a good nap for mom, so it was alright.

Tonight we're at home, and I'm ready for a good night's sleep. It was a fairly crazy day at work, my feet are sore, and I am beat. Terry Brooks did a book signing, very exciting!

Caleb cracked mom and I up today with his newest facial expression. When he has a dirty diaper, he'll walk up to me, pat his bottom and scrunch up his nose in a "yucky" face. It is just so cute and so hilarious. He's never been one to fuss over a dirty diaper, so this sudden awareness, and the way he expresses it, is pretty darn adorable.

It seems like every day he does something new. And certainly every day he is learning a new word, or five. Today's new word was "ice." It's so, so wonderful to have this new avenue of communication with our little boy, and to see him realize the convenience and practicality of using words to convey his thoughts, wants, and needs. He's such a little sponge, soaking up new vocabulary words.

I am just in awe of this little person, growing up so quickly.

Out of Sorts

2009-09-11T15:14:00.000-06:00

I'm having one of those days. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it. I don't feel as though I fit inside my skin, and I can't make up my mind on anything: what to eat, what to do, where to go... I feel as if I'm in a daze, going through the motions of any other normal day, but there's something missing, some key ingredient that makes me present. It's an odd feeling. Not depressed, I don't think. Not sad, not melancholy, not bored, not angry, more than indecisive. Listless maybe? I don't know.

Eric leaves tonight with Dad on their week-long hunt. It'll be a tough nine days, for sure. I miss him horribly when he's gone. And my sleeping pattern gets all out of whack. When he's not here I have to sleep with the lights on, and force myself to stay up as late as I can because I don't want to go to bed without him. It's also a strain on my patience, since he isn't here to help me out with Caleb in the evenings.

But these things aside, I am so excited for him to have this opportunity. He really seems to love hunting, and loves hiking around in the forest. My manly mountain man, bringing home the bacon. He's been waiting for this since he got home from his hunt with Dad last September. He'll have a great time, and that's worth a few sleepless nights to me.

Caleb and I spent the morning at the Library!, one of our favorite places. Traffic was pretty crazy though, due to Art in the Park going on across the way. Mom and I are planning on going Sunday, and I can't wait. It's one of my favorite things about this city. Then this afternoon after eating lunch, we watched Because of Winn-Dixie. It was pretty adorable. But then, you really can't go wrong with anything Kate DiCamillo has written; she never fails to touch my heart in some profound way.

Caleb is napping now, and I am going to curl up with a book and relax a bit before Eric gets home. I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye tonight. It's going to be a tough one, I think.

Finding My Voice

2009-09-03T09:01:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I sat down to write a blog and found I had nothing to say. Or at least nothing I wanted to share online. I think this goes along with my not telling every personal detail to all of my coworkers- like I used to. I am learning the importance of keeping personal things personal, and am proud of it. I think it's a sign of my growing maturity.

Having a family is changing me, changing my priorities. I keep telling Eric I'm an old person now: I want to sit at a concert; I get mad at people who play their music too loud; I like watching Antiques Roadshow on PBS; I prefer classical music or classic books on cd to the pop stations; etc. I feel much older than I am, along with younger too. Still getting used to this whole "being a responsible adult" thing.

School is starting again. And, again, I am not a student. I want so badly to go to college, to study, to be educated. I want to study literature, linguistics, anthropology. A year or two ago, I started to feel discouraged, like it was already too late for me to go. But now I realize that's not the case. It's okay if I'm older than most freshman. I don't care about that any more. I just crave education now to the point where I know I will work hard, study, do my homework. I want it. This wasn't the case when I graduated high school, and I do still stand by my decision not to go immediately. But now... Now I want it. It'll be a few more years; when Caleb goes to school, so will I. Until then, I've started reading (or listening to in the car, in lieu of the radio) to all the classics in literature I never had the discipline to read before. Catcher in the Rye, Persuasion, Moby Dick, My Antonia... The list goes on.

Well, time to start the day; Caleb is waking up.

Ups and Downs

2009-04-23T14:37:00.000-06:00

It's been an up and down week. Thankfully, today is an up day.

We had a busy, busy weekend, seeing all of our parents at some point during three days, and managed to fit a pedicure party (just me, not the boys) and hiking in there too.
Monday was rough- no nap for Caleb makes for a veeeery long day for the both of us.
Tuesday was great! Caleb napped, and I was able to FINALLY organize my pictures into neat little files. Bible study was so good and refreshing; I'm constantly stretching and learning about faith and what it means to be a follower of Christ. It was so freeing to hear the other women talk about how their faith is not their parents' faith; this is something I'm just now starting to embrace.
Yesterday was rough; again no nap for Caleb. But then we went to my parents' house for dinner, and seeing Dad make Caleb laugh SO hard made up for the rest of the day.

Today got off to a great start: Andrea and I met up at Veterans Memorial Park and took a couple mile walk down the Green Belt. It was invigorating and so, so wonderful to spend that time with her. Caleb is napping now, and I'm about to get all the laundry folded. Then maybe, if we have time, we'll make a quick run to the Library(!). I'm still not sure what to make for dinner, seeing as we've needed to go grocery shopping for over a week now. Oh well; I'll figure it out later.

Within Reach

2009-04-21T14:15:00.000-06:00

As usual, I've failed to keep up with this blog, just like all the others. In the past few years I've become more private and closed regarding what I put out on the internet for anyone to see; this is a good thing. I do miss the immediacy of blogging though, as opposed to how long it takes me to write by hand. I've fallen down on my paper journal too. I can't keep up with time anymore. The weeks just fly by, and I feel like I'm just barely hanging on.

It is exciting though. We are at an incredible time in our lives, with so many opportunities within reach. Since Eric started his new job, we've paid down our debts considerably, and are about to begin the house hunting process. It will be so wonderful to own our own home, to paint and decorate and landscape the way we want to- no landlord to decide what can and can't be done. We want to get a dog within the next couple years too; that will be way too much fun. I miss having a dog around the house; our cat just isn't the same.

Caleb is starting to talk- cat, kitty, dog, daddy, momma, and fish are the words he really knows. He's good at immitating us, but doesn't quite put together the meanings of any other words yet. Soon though; he's a smart kid and figures things out quickly. He's such a character, and amazes us daily.

So yeah, it seems as though everything is finally within reach. The world is ours for the taking, and we are making the most of it!

First Steps, Just In Time

2008-09-17T01:20:00.000-06:00

Caleb took his first steps on Friday night!!!

It was/is very exciting, and I am so proud of him! It still freaks him out a little, realizing he can take a step, and not fall, without holding on to anything anymore. In the past few days he's made teeny-tiny improvements. It's just adorable to see the emotions playing over his face: uncertainty, fear, pride, confusion.

I was so excited and relieved that he did take those very first steps on Friday night, as Eric left on Saturday afternoon for his week-long hunting trip with Dad. I kept praying that Caleb wouldn't be his mischevious self and wait until Eric had left. It was so special that the three of us shared those moments together. I love them so much; there just aren't words to express it.

So this is our fourth night apart. It's pretty rough. I just try to keep focusing on how much fun Eric and Dad must be having up there in the woods, rather than projecting my fears for their safety, etc. It's strange how empty the house seems without him. There is less light, less life. It's been nearly a year and a half since we moved in together, and I've quite gotten used to having him around all the time.

I'm getting ready to go to sleep though, and I don't want to magnify these lonely feelings. Night is the worst without him. Lucky man, getting to sleep under the stars. (As long as it doesn't snow...)

New Beginning, New Name

2008-09-09T15:47:00.000-06:00

So yet again I've embarked on a new online journal.
I suppose it's fitting, right? A new phase of life, a new journal.

The name I chose for this one suits me: Considering Sparrows and Lilies.
Because, as instructed by Jesus, I am trying not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries in itself.

We are on the brink of a new beginning. The past two years have been so overwhelmingly full of changes and obstacles, but we've come past it all. Sure, there are still things being worked out, worked on, and worked through. But for now, I am secure in my job situation, as is Eric in his. Caleb is a wonderful little boy, and such a light and joy that everything we've gone through is absolutely and undeniably worth it. Soon Eric will start his new job, we will start looking to buy a house, and I will begin taking a dance class and academic class.

The future is bright, and I am so excited for all it holds for us.